The Past is Present

Wednesday 8/14/13

I have not blogged in 6 years. At the time of my last post it had been several months since Greg and I had ended our first go around. I read and re-read those posts. How had I allowed him to do to me again what he did to me 6 years ago? How did that happen? None the less it did. Back then my faith in God was so strong that I knew He would see me through it all and He did. This time around I do believe that God does exist but how can He heal me again after I made the same damn mistake? Was I suppose to learn something new by going back to Greg? All I know is that my heart hurts even though my head is well aware of the fact that the man is no good. Where is my faith now? I need you, God, more then ever.

I need you, God, because I miss Greg everyday. This man who lied and cheated and betrayed me. How can I miss him? But I do and I can't go back. At least one thing everyday reminds me of him. The good in him and there really is good there. Why doesn't he allow it to shine through? If I am going to remember the good then I must remind myself of the bad. My life with him was a facade. I mustn't forget that. EVER!

My Dearest Friend, I hope that I do not have to explain to you or anyone what you mean to me. I often wonder how you could possibly love me so much. We are so completely different in every respect and yet I cannot imagine life without you in it.

I am a Christian. It is a huge part of who I am. I have my own prayer list and I pray everyday, sometimes all day long. It brings me peace, comfort and sometimes joy to the fullest degree. I believe beyond a shadow of doubt that He exists. I grew up never knowing anything else. I have had many moments when I have yelled at Him, accused Him of things, and certainly have often asked Him, "Why?".

I have very few friends I can share this with openly without getting a dirty look, or a response of "stop right there". I am, however, expected to listen to people put down the God that I love so much. I am debated, ridiculed, or verbally "slapped" in the face because of my faith in something they do not think exists. I understand that it comes from lumping me into the group of Christians out there who think they are "god" and they know best. So I generally sit back and listen and quietly pray for God's guidance. I don't want to upset or hurt anyone over what they believe or do not believe. I just don't want to tip toe around them or be made to feel bad because I might offend them because I am a Christian. All I can do at times is pray for them. Sometimes it is all I have to offer. It is never a waste of time for me to pray.

I, too, am offended by people who call themselves Christians and then point their finger in judgment. It sickened me when I heard the way your mom spoke to you. I wanted to scream at her and say "how dare you call yourself a Christian". Unfortunately these are the people that others look at and think ALL Christians must be like that. Which is why I am doing my best to not judge others. We are not all exactly the same simply because we claim to belong to the same group of people.

This makes me aware of the fact that sometimes all my friends have to offer is their own way of letting me know they are thinking of me and that they love me. This may be by saying "I will send good thoughts of you out into the universe" or "I have this ritual that may help see you through this hard time". I would never in a million years dream of saying to them, "how dare you!" because I know it comes from a very sincere place and I am aware that they don't believe in my God. This is their way to let me know this is their way of "helping".

I am aware that I am not perfect. I am aware of my past and my poor decision making. I remember I use to have a horrendous temper. I have hurt a great many people because I would jump the gun or I was so incredibly judgemental. I have been written off by many. I just don't want to be written off because I am Christian.

Ever since the incident with The Sweater I have done my best to change me, not those around me. I want to be more compassionate instead of angry, have more peace instead of anxiety, more joy instead of sorrow. Mostly because I don't want to end up choosing one more bad partner. So part of that "cleansing" for me comes from my faith. It is more focused these days and I cannot imagine starting my day any other way then in prayer.

I love you, my friend, and I would never do anything intentionately to hurt or offend you but sometimes all I have to offer is my prayers.

THE WASTE OF TIME?...Is there such a thing as wasted time? I say out loud the answer is "no" but I cannot see the point from July 2004 to June 2007. There must be a lesson here. I pray that God will show me what He wanted me to know but I haven't heard it yet. Actually, I learned to hear God's voice because of it. I can now say that God's voice is loud and clear in my life but what about having The Sweater in my life? Was I suppose to learn something from The Sweater directly? Why him? I pose this question because a friend of mine is going through a similar situation. I am good at telling her that it was not wasted time and that she and I did what was right. I know I loved deeply and sincerely and did the right thing by the relationship. We have no control over how someone else deals with the same situation. I still feel The Sweater was brought to me for a specific reason. I could have learned to hear God's voice in any given situation. Why did I have to go through what I did with him?

I will not dwell on this but I am sure there will be times when the question will confront me. Perhaps the next time the answer will be crystal clear. In the meantime I must forge ahead and walk the path that God has laid out for me.

To my dear sweet friend who is going through this similar thing, "Let's not focus on what is already done. Forget what is behind and move toward what is ahead". Let's not waste one more day on past decisions that we can no longer change. One day the answers will be clear and we will know we are stronger and wiser because of it.

AND THE BEAT GOES ON - Several years ago I was told that we should view our lives like we are monitoring our hearts. We know our hearts are pumping correctly as we view the lines in the EKG go up and down, like hills and valleys. If there is a straight line then we know there is no life left in us. As long as our lives are going up and down there is still life in us but the minute we are on a straight path we no longer function. As long as I view my life that way I no longer fear the hills and valleys, in fact, I welcome them. This doesn't mean, however, that I always enjoy the journey. Sometimes, I think, I would welcome the straight road ahead.

I will be 52 years old this year and I am not where I had hoped I would be at this moment in my life. I had hoped to still be married, waiting for our son to graduate from high school. The three of us helping Joe plan his future. I planned on still being a phlebotomist with the hospital, going on 24 years. My days of dating and heartbreak would be well behind me. I was looking forward to growing old with my husband. This was my plan.

Unfortunately this was not the plan of those who were a part of my life. As their plans changed so would mine. My plans would have to change in order for me to accommodate the situation. Hence, the never ending peaks and valleys that keeps my heart beating.

Most days are easy for me as I ascend to the top of the hill but when I descend into the valley the road seems harder to travel. I pray for the ascending, in fact, I welcome it as I see it up ahead but I have been going up and down these hills for so long now. I am no longer married, I have changed careers and have seen boyfriends come and go. I have seen friends come and go. I have lost precious family members and watch my parents become more fragile. Each time I say I can do this. God sees me as strong so He is going to challenge me. This is a true compliment. I truly believe that but there are moments when I no longer want the challenge.

My faith has never been as strong as it is today. I try to live my life accordingly. I trust God to take much of the burden away but there are those days when it seems too hard to bare and I wonder if He is much too busy. Of course, I do know He is not too busy. I do know He is listening. I have no doubt about that.

Unfortunately my last break up took a toll on me. How is that possible? I was not in love with the man. Everyone knew it because everyone saw it. I cared about him and hoped things would work out. They did not. Now it is such a struggle to forge ahead. Why is that? He isn't a true and honest person. He is not trustworthy. He certainly doesn't deserve my friendship, let alone my love. How is it possible to stick by someone for 3 years and toss them aside without a care? How does he sleep soundly knowing what he did? I know these are questions I shouldn't be asking. I know I shouldn't give him anymore energy but how do you make it go away? How do you make him 'disappear'? In betraying me he betrayed my son and that alone should wipe him from my mind.

I know as sure as I am writing this that God did not want this man in my life. Perhaps it is not the man at all that is making me feel these things. Perhaps it is having to deal with this one more time. I don't want to deal with it one more day. I don't want to go through this again.

It's just that at this moment in my life I wasn't suppose to be dealing with Joe, finances, work, etc. all alone. I was suppose to have someone to come home to that would help me through it. Wasn't I? I know I have no right to feel this way but how do I make it go away?

I do have much to be thankful for but I just don't want to climb over one more hill. I am too tired. I want someone to physically carry me over the hill.

Tomorrow I will feel differently I am sure but today I just want to crawl into bed and fall asleep and wake up in heaven. Don't worry, I could never voluntarily leave Joe but I could hope and pray for an easier life and heaven would be a grand place to be!

I had the most odd night of sleep. I went to bed sometime after 9:30. Perhaps 9:49. I tossed a bit but fell into a deep sleep. I awoke abrutly at 10:49. I stared at the clock thinking that it felt like so much time had passed. I tossed around again before I fell asleep. My mind is still full of The Sweater. I keep reliving the last 3 years. I go over everything I did wrong and everything he did right. The ache in my stomach makes me want to puke but I can't. I awake again and this time it is 11:39. So begins my night. I am now flooded with the thought that I was right in breaking it off when I did. Even then I waited too long. It should have been done a long time ago but he would beg me to hold on and give it a go. No one ever wanted to be with me this much. That would always be my excuse to stay. I fall asleep, finally, only to wake and find it 12:39. Odd but I begin to toss and turn again. I ask myself the million dollar question. Why did he want me back so desparately if he knew there was someone else on the back burner? My gut said don't go back and I went anyway. Reliving all the good stuff and feeling guilty for not giving him more of a fair chance to begin with. He was so good to me. Right? He, Joe and I felt like a family. Right? I fall into another deep sleep and I awake again at 1:39. What is with this time? Why do I sleep for exactly one hour and then awake abrutly after being in a deep sleep? While I sleep I dream about The Sweater. In my dreams he is cheating or is it real? I ask myself, "why now? why after 3 years?". I know my answer but I don't want to face it because then I would have to face the facts. It didn't just start after 3 years because it had been going on all along. He was able to compartmentalize. Jeanine is my best girl and these others were just for fun. I abrutly awake at 2:39. What is going on? I toss and turn once again. I relive how he showered me with love and affection. With gifts and trips. Perhaps his way of making up for his constant infidelity. I bought it. Hook, line and sinker. I go into another deep sleep and awake at 3:39. Geez!!! Only to wake with more thoughts of him. I want the ache in my stomach to go away but it feels worse instead of better. I know I loved the man but I also know I wasn't in love with him. I have to keep remembering that even though I never felt as though we were forever I did love being with him. I enjoyed his company and we had the same interests and we were developing a group of friends of our own. Also, I didn't know at this time that he had been unfaithful to the relationship or if I did I turned the other cheek because I wasn't feeling about him the way he seemed to feel about me way back when. I did go through a time when it wouldn't have bothered me, so if I did sense it I didn't care. After all there was that summer he was in Sac working all summer and we began treating each other like good friends. I went out with someone briefly and I often sensed he did have someone because he was a bit distant. When we "reunited" as bf/gf we never spoke of that summer but apparently the infidelities went on and on for him after that and he managed to keep them far far away from us. This time he didn't hide his tracks at all. This time he feels he is in love so he wants it out in the open. Now what? Why does it ache so much? I know I went back for the right reasons. I truly wanted to make this work. I truly believe I had us all figured out and this time it would be even better. Why did he want me back? The alarm went off and it is 5:00. Cycle broken but my stomach aches and I feel foolish.

I do believe that we have to suffer the consequences of our actions. That we must hold ourselves accountable for our choices. Is this my payback? God, I hope so. I honestly don't think I can go through this again.

The X Factor - This past week I will refer to as the week of the exes. I am still trying to figure out how they "found" my number when for a very long time most of them claim to have "lost it".

I have a "real" boyfriend. Let me clarify that, we are together but not officially. To try to be more clear we both need alot of work before we officially commit here, again, but we are seeing each other exclusively. I feel positive with the direction it seems to be headed but occasionally I get scared. I revert back to that childish insecurity. Last night was one of those moments.

All week long I have had messages from exes from all over the place. What is up with that? Yesterday I thought I would call the "real boyfriend" and set up a date. He had already made plans with the guys. Okay, no big. Right? Wrong, childish insecurity sets in. He doesn't have to call to let me know his schedule. We are welcome to do whatever we like, whenever we like. We are both trying to let things unfold as they should. I have a hard time with that but I think it is important to me to change my course of action so I take a deep breath and let go. Last night I just wanted to be with him but that wasn't going to happen. I felt myself fighting that "childish insecurity".

After I arrived home there they were more messages from the exes, a few of them. One even stopped by! After chitchatting with him for a bit and sending him on his way I returned the phone call of "Bruce". "Bruce" and I have known each other for many years. Circumstances keep us in touch with each other. "Bruce" said he was calling to see how Joe and I were doing but as it turned out he just wanted to hear my voice. Is my voice soothing somehow? It didn't use to be. Why is it now? He is married and miserable. I can't fix that or make it better. We talked for about 30 minutes. I know he was hoping for something more positive from me but that is so not going to happen. When you make your bed you MUST lie in it. He has avoided lying in it for a very long time. I even heard his wife say once that she feels she found the one good man (or something to that effect). She was singing his praises. I wondered, does she really believe that or is she simply trying to convince herself? Most people know the truth about "Bruce". How could the one person who lives with him NOT know? I suppose there was a time when I tried to convince myself and everyone around me that he was "perfect" all the while knowing the truth but not admitting it out loud. I needed to get off the phone before I said something I would regret. I did, however, politely end the conversation.

After I hung up another ex- called. I will call him "George". "George" lives close by. We ended up talking for nearly 2 hours and after 2 glasses of wine he convinced me to come over for dinner. Afterall, the "real" boyfriend was out with the guys and left me alone on a friday night. As I drove over to "George's" I was getting more upset. I didn't want to go to his house for dinner. I wanted to be with the "real" boyfriend. Didn't the "real" boyfriend want to be with me? And why were all my exes popping up, coming by, calling, etc.? Nevertheless, I stopped by "George's". Instead of dinner we talked some more and then he kissed me! Wow! It all came back to me what a great kisser he was but what the hell was I doing here? We kissed some more and then I jumped up and grabbed my purse. I didn't want to be with "George" and I certainly didn't want to kiss "George". I wanted my "real" boyfriend. "George" begged me to stay and followed me out to my car and wouldn't you know it, his neighbors saw us and stopped to say hello. They gave me that "are you and George back together?" look. I wanted to scream, "NO WAY" but I simply smiled and got in my car. George begged some more and then said "I Love You" and reached in for one more kiss. Good gawd, are we back in high school? I drove off in a panic. Guilt ridden and depressed."George" and I are both single so what is the problem? The problem is, I didn't really want to be there. There is someone better out there for me and he just happened to be out with the guys.

When I got home I immediately called for help. Lori and Jaye to the rescue. Yes, they can usually help snap me back into reality. Lori was out for the night but Jaye was home. Thank God! As my guilt ridden voice cried out Jaye simply said "Babe, you let him kiss you. So what? Look at the big picture, you got up and left. Good for you. I am proud of you. Most people would have stayed anyway and felt worse afterward". So true and perhaps there was a time, a very long time ago, when I would have been afraid to leave. Seems silly but that is true. This time I didn't stay.

I could easily fall into another depression. I would have at one time listened to that little voice saying "Look what you did you bad person". But instead I listened to my good voice, my Jaye voice. The exes came to me. They reached out to me. Although, I took things a tiny step off track I pulled back and went right back on course again.

I don't know where "real" boyfriend and I will end up but I want to know in the end I did everything right. I have a good life and I am surrounded by unconditional love. I am surrounded by alot of good voices telling me the right thing to do and cheering me on. I have learned to recognize the bad voices and although they catch my attention for a moment, after a while I will say "I recognize the sound of that voice" and then not listen. I CAN cover my ears and walk away.

P.S. "George" continues to call or simply show up at my door but I am focused in a good direction right now and I will be damned if any old ex of mine is going to tempt me away!

Although I have heard the saying "You don't know what you've got til it's gone" and have said it to others myself I have to truthfully say I have not really experienced it. I have always known what was right in front of me but knew that for one reason or another it wasn't right for me at the time and I had to walk away. At the age of 45 I fell in love for the very first time in my life. Yes, I had loved before but this was real heart and soul deep love. As I use to say to people who asked how I felt about him (I will call him "Boyfriend 1") I would say "I am truly, madly, deeply in love". It never felt as though I could breathe without him. He felt the same which made it that much more intense. I knew the man I had right in front of me but for many reasons I had to walk away and regretted it immediately. He is the sort of man that there is NO second chance. Well, no second chance for me because he never felt he deserved me. He certainly didn't feel he deserved to be loved that deeply. Let's just say he loved me so much he felt I was better off without him. I struggled with this for a very long time and only recently did I accept that he was right.

Shortly after that break up (which was 3 years ago) I began dating a man who would change my life completely. When we began dating I told him of "Boyfriend 1" and my deep feelings for him. I told "Boyfriend 2" that if he wanted to continue to date me he had to accept this about me. Believe it or not HE DID! Over the course of the next 3 years "Boyfriend 2" introduced me to a life I never knew existed. When we would take walks he showed me how to appreciate nature and all it's beauty. He taught me to "hear" beauty in all different kinds of music. Not just an appreciation of the music or the lyric but the song as a whole. He taught me to listen to the most intricit parts of the song. He taught me to cook and explore the different flavors of the food. He taught me how to appreciate wine and even scotch. He taught me to take my time with life and just enjoy. He took me to the most amazing places. We ate at places I had only read about but never thought I would ever frequent. We attended the symphony, ballet, theatre, museums, galleries, etc. on a regular basis. He opened me to a world I never knew existed. Okay, I knew it existed but didn't think I would ever be a part of it.

However, I went into this relationship saying this will not last forever. Sometimes I would indicate otherwise but that was because I thought that is what most people wanted to hear. My feelings for "Boyfriend 1" always interferred with me going forward with "Boyfriend 2". Last summer "BF 2" and I were in a major car accident. His quick thinking and selflessness saved my life but it changed us both and not in a good way. I truly appreciated what he had done and often felt confused by my feelings because of all he had done for me and I felt drawn closer to him because of the accident but "BF 1" still played an important part in my life. I am sure that in some way "BF 2" felt 'neglected'. I mean, really, how could he not? Yet, as I felt him pull away I wasn't ready to let go. This world he had introduced me to was so amazing. After that I became the sort of woman I despise, helpless and needy. This drew him even further away.One night our conversation lead us to "where are we going in this relationship?". He said "I don't see us as forever". This was the first time he had ever said anything like that out loud. It is what I had felt all along but never said to him. He was the one who always held on tight and now he was letting go. He said he wanted to explore other friendships. What I heard was "I want to see other women". I said I wanted a monogamous relationship like we had had for the last 3 years. He heard "marry me or it is over".

Needless to say we ended it that night.I cried for 24 hours and then I felt done. I wanted to wipe him completely from my life. I mean, afterall, I was in love with another man, right? I couldn't have been more wrong. Not only had I fooled myself I fooled many people around me and not intentionally. Over the course of the next 2 months I experienced a depression I had never experienced ever in my life. Not even in my divorce did I get this low.

(Contrary to popular belief I was angry NOT depressed after "H" left and NOT because I was sorry to see him go but for reasons that if I shared them here and now certain people would twist and turn it and then cause me more grief with that situation because they don't seem to have a life of their own. You know the old saying, Misery loves Company. This, I might add, does not refer to "H's" wife, who has been just amazing).

I was so low that even getting out of bed was a struggle. I had to because I had a son to take care of. Joe has no one else. I knew I was the only one who would make sure he got what he needed and deserved. I became more angry at "H" because he left Joe behind and I had to carry ALL of it. He allowed himself the choice to leave and go far, far away and I didn't have any choice at all so I had to push myself. This only made the depression worse. I found I hated going to work because I had to put on a brave face and I love my job but all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole. I couldn't let my family see this side of me. I mean, what would they think? (probably they just would have loved me but I didn't realize that then) I didn't want to socialize except with a very tight knit group that allowed me to fall apart when I needed to.

It was my friend, Rae, who helped me begin the healing process. I woke up one morning knowing I couldn't go on like this any longer. I didn't think of myself as suicidal but I prayed every night that God would take me in my sleep. But if I died what would happen to Joe? I even found myself making arrangements for him just in case I got "lucky enough" that God would actually listen to that prayer.

Rae talked me through so much because she totally understood where I was coming from. She gave me things to meditate on. This along with the power of prayer and allowing Jesus to "take the wheel", I was able to get myself out of bed in the morning. I started exercising and eating moderately and more healthy. This helped me to clearly see what had been right in front of me all along. This realization only came to me very recently.

Last week "BF 2" and I had a long talk and cleared the air about many things, most importantly the miscommunication. I saw that he too was experiencing the same depression. Because I am a bit further ahead in my healing I am now able to help him through his own healing process. We are both a work in progress. Last night we went on a real date and had a great time but there is still so much there that needs to get worked out in both of us. I am so proud of him though. If I am ever blessed to have him in my life full time again he will no longer have to take 2nd place to "BF 1". I will love and cherish the man that he is and is becoming. If it is just not meant to be then hopefully we can remain good friends. I know I will forever be greatful to God for bringing him into my life. And when you think about it it was "BF 1" that brought me "BF 2" in the first place!

Isn't it ironic?