Although I have heard the saying "You don't know what you've got til it's gone" and have said it to others myself I have to truthfully say I have not really experienced it. I have always known what was right in front of me but knew that for one reason or another it wasn't right for me at the time and I had to walk away. At the age of 45 I fell in love for the very first time in my life. Yes, I had loved before but this was real heart and soul deep love. As I use to say to people who asked how I felt about him (I will call him "Boyfriend 1") I would say "I am truly, madly, deeply in love". It never felt as though I could breathe without him. He felt the same which made it that much more intense. I knew the man I had right in front of me but for many reasons I had to walk away and regretted it immediately. He is the sort of man that there is NO second chance. Well, no second chance for me because he never felt he deserved me. He certainly didn't feel he deserved to be loved that deeply. Let's just say he loved me so much he felt I was better off without him. I struggled with this for a very long time and only recently did I accept that he was right.
Shortly after that break up (which was 3 years ago) I began dating a man who would change my life completely. When we began dating I told him of "Boyfriend 1" and my deep feelings for him. I told "Boyfriend 2" that if he wanted to continue to date me he had to accept this about me. Believe it or not HE DID! Over the course of the next 3 years "Boyfriend 2" introduced me to a life I never knew existed. When we would take walks he showed me how to appreciate nature and all it's beauty. He taught me to "hear" beauty in all different kinds of music. Not just an appreciation of the music or the lyric but the song as a whole. He taught me to listen to the most intricit parts of the song. He taught me to cook and explore the different flavors of the food. He taught me how to appreciate wine and even scotch. He taught me to take my time with life and just enjoy. He took me to the most amazing places. We ate at places I had only read about but never thought I would ever frequent. We attended the symphony, ballet, theatre, museums, galleries, etc. on a regular basis. He opened me to a world I never knew existed. Okay, I knew it existed but didn't think I would ever be a part of it.
However, I went into this relationship saying this will not last forever. Sometimes I would indicate otherwise but that was because I thought that is what most people wanted to hear. My feelings for "Boyfriend 1" always interferred with me going forward with "Boyfriend 2". Last summer "BF 2" and I were in a major car accident. His quick thinking and selflessness saved my life but it changed us both and not in a good way. I truly appreciated what he had done and often felt confused by my feelings because of all he had done for me and I felt drawn closer to him because of the accident but "BF 1" still played an important part in my life. I am sure that in some way "BF 2" felt 'neglected'. I mean, really, how could he not? Yet, as I felt him pull away I wasn't ready to let go. This world he had introduced me to was so amazing. After that I became the sort of woman I despise, helpless and needy. This drew him even further away.One night our conversation lead us to "where are we going in this relationship?". He said "I don't see us as forever". This was the first time he had ever said anything like that out loud. It is what I had felt all along but never said to him. He was the one who always held on tight and now he was letting go. He said he wanted to explore other friendships. What I heard was "I want to see other women". I said I wanted a monogamous relationship like we had had for the last 3 years. He heard "marry me or it is over".
Needless to say we ended it that night.I cried for 24 hours and then I felt done. I wanted to wipe him completely from my life. I mean, afterall, I was in love with another man, right? I couldn't have been more wrong. Not only had I fooled myself I fooled many people around me and not intentionally. Over the course of the next 2 months I experienced a depression I had never experienced ever in my life. Not even in my divorce did I get this low.
(Contrary to popular belief I was angry NOT depressed after "H" left and NOT because I was sorry to see him go but for reasons that if I shared them here and now certain people would twist and turn it and then cause me more grief with that situation because they don't seem to have a life of their own. You know the old saying, Misery loves Company. This, I might add, does not refer to "H's" wife, who has been just amazing).
I was so low that even getting out of bed was a struggle. I had to because I had a son to take care of. Joe has no one else. I knew I was the only one who would make sure he got what he needed and deserved. I became more angry at "H" because he left Joe behind and I had to carry ALL of it. He allowed himself the choice to leave and go far, far away and I didn't have any choice at all so I had to push myself. This only made the depression worse. I found I hated going to work because I had to put on a brave face and I love my job but all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole. I couldn't let my family see this side of me. I mean, what would they think? (probably they just would have loved me but I didn't realize that then) I didn't want to socialize except with a very tight knit group that allowed me to fall apart when I needed to.
It was my friend, Rae, who helped me begin the healing process. I woke up one morning knowing I couldn't go on like this any longer. I didn't think of myself as suicidal but I prayed every night that God would take me in my sleep. But if I died what would happen to Joe? I even found myself making arrangements for him just in case I got "lucky enough" that God would actually listen to that prayer.
Rae talked me through so much because she totally understood where I was coming from. She gave me things to meditate on. This along with the power of prayer and allowing Jesus to "take the wheel", I was able to get myself out of bed in the morning. I started exercising and eating moderately and more healthy. This helped me to clearly see what had been right in front of me all along. This realization only came to me very recently.
Last week "BF 2" and I had a long talk and cleared the air about many things, most importantly the miscommunication. I saw that he too was experiencing the same depression. Because I am a bit further ahead in my healing I am now able to help him through his own healing process. We are both a work in progress. Last night we went on a real date and had a great time but there is still so much there that needs to get worked out in both of us. I am so proud of him though. If I am ever blessed to have him in my life full time again he will no longer have to take 2nd place to "BF 1". I will love and cherish the man that he is and is becoming. If it is just not meant to be then hopefully we can remain good friends. I know I will forever be greatful to God for bringing him into my life. And when you think about it it was "BF 1" that brought me "BF 2" in the first place!
Isn't it ironic?
Shortly after that break up (which was 3 years ago) I began dating a man who would change my life completely. When we began dating I told him of "Boyfriend 1" and my deep feelings for him. I told "Boyfriend 2" that if he wanted to continue to date me he had to accept this about me. Believe it or not HE DID! Over the course of the next 3 years "Boyfriend 2" introduced me to a life I never knew existed. When we would take walks he showed me how to appreciate nature and all it's beauty. He taught me to "hear" beauty in all different kinds of music. Not just an appreciation of the music or the lyric but the song as a whole. He taught me to listen to the most intricit parts of the song. He taught me to cook and explore the different flavors of the food. He taught me how to appreciate wine and even scotch. He taught me to take my time with life and just enjoy. He took me to the most amazing places. We ate at places I had only read about but never thought I would ever frequent. We attended the symphony, ballet, theatre, museums, galleries, etc. on a regular basis. He opened me to a world I never knew existed. Okay, I knew it existed but didn't think I would ever be a part of it.
However, I went into this relationship saying this will not last forever. Sometimes I would indicate otherwise but that was because I thought that is what most people wanted to hear. My feelings for "Boyfriend 1" always interferred with me going forward with "Boyfriend 2". Last summer "BF 2" and I were in a major car accident. His quick thinking and selflessness saved my life but it changed us both and not in a good way. I truly appreciated what he had done and often felt confused by my feelings because of all he had done for me and I felt drawn closer to him because of the accident but "BF 1" still played an important part in my life. I am sure that in some way "BF 2" felt 'neglected'. I mean, really, how could he not? Yet, as I felt him pull away I wasn't ready to let go. This world he had introduced me to was so amazing. After that I became the sort of woman I despise, helpless and needy. This drew him even further away.One night our conversation lead us to "where are we going in this relationship?". He said "I don't see us as forever". This was the first time he had ever said anything like that out loud. It is what I had felt all along but never said to him. He was the one who always held on tight and now he was letting go. He said he wanted to explore other friendships. What I heard was "I want to see other women". I said I wanted a monogamous relationship like we had had for the last 3 years. He heard "marry me or it is over".
Needless to say we ended it that night.I cried for 24 hours and then I felt done. I wanted to wipe him completely from my life. I mean, afterall, I was in love with another man, right? I couldn't have been more wrong. Not only had I fooled myself I fooled many people around me and not intentionally. Over the course of the next 2 months I experienced a depression I had never experienced ever in my life. Not even in my divorce did I get this low.
(Contrary to popular belief I was angry NOT depressed after "H" left and NOT because I was sorry to see him go but for reasons that if I shared them here and now certain people would twist and turn it and then cause me more grief with that situation because they don't seem to have a life of their own. You know the old saying, Misery loves Company. This, I might add, does not refer to "H's" wife, who has been just amazing).
I was so low that even getting out of bed was a struggle. I had to because I had a son to take care of. Joe has no one else. I knew I was the only one who would make sure he got what he needed and deserved. I became more angry at "H" because he left Joe behind and I had to carry ALL of it. He allowed himself the choice to leave and go far, far away and I didn't have any choice at all so I had to push myself. This only made the depression worse. I found I hated going to work because I had to put on a brave face and I love my job but all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole. I couldn't let my family see this side of me. I mean, what would they think? (probably they just would have loved me but I didn't realize that then) I didn't want to socialize except with a very tight knit group that allowed me to fall apart when I needed to.
It was my friend, Rae, who helped me begin the healing process. I woke up one morning knowing I couldn't go on like this any longer. I didn't think of myself as suicidal but I prayed every night that God would take me in my sleep. But if I died what would happen to Joe? I even found myself making arrangements for him just in case I got "lucky enough" that God would actually listen to that prayer.
Rae talked me through so much because she totally understood where I was coming from. She gave me things to meditate on. This along with the power of prayer and allowing Jesus to "take the wheel", I was able to get myself out of bed in the morning. I started exercising and eating moderately and more healthy. This helped me to clearly see what had been right in front of me all along. This realization only came to me very recently.
Last week "BF 2" and I had a long talk and cleared the air about many things, most importantly the miscommunication. I saw that he too was experiencing the same depression. Because I am a bit further ahead in my healing I am now able to help him through his own healing process. We are both a work in progress. Last night we went on a real date and had a great time but there is still so much there that needs to get worked out in both of us. I am so proud of him though. If I am ever blessed to have him in my life full time again he will no longer have to take 2nd place to "BF 1". I will love and cherish the man that he is and is becoming. If it is just not meant to be then hopefully we can remain good friends. I know I will forever be greatful to God for bringing him into my life. And when you think about it it was "BF 1" that brought me "BF 2" in the first place!
Isn't it ironic?
Labels: Relationships
posted by Jea9 | 10:46 AM
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