The X Factor - This past week I will refer to as the week of the exes. I am still trying to figure out how they "found" my number when for a very long time most of them claim to have "lost it".

I have a "real" boyfriend. Let me clarify that, we are together but not officially. To try to be more clear we both need alot of work before we officially commit here, again, but we are seeing each other exclusively. I feel positive with the direction it seems to be headed but occasionally I get scared. I revert back to that childish insecurity. Last night was one of those moments.

All week long I have had messages from exes from all over the place. What is up with that? Yesterday I thought I would call the "real boyfriend" and set up a date. He had already made plans with the guys. Okay, no big. Right? Wrong, childish insecurity sets in. He doesn't have to call to let me know his schedule. We are welcome to do whatever we like, whenever we like. We are both trying to let things unfold as they should. I have a hard time with that but I think it is important to me to change my course of action so I take a deep breath and let go. Last night I just wanted to be with him but that wasn't going to happen. I felt myself fighting that "childish insecurity".

After I arrived home there they were more messages from the exes, a few of them. One even stopped by! After chitchatting with him for a bit and sending him on his way I returned the phone call of "Bruce". "Bruce" and I have known each other for many years. Circumstances keep us in touch with each other. "Bruce" said he was calling to see how Joe and I were doing but as it turned out he just wanted to hear my voice. Is my voice soothing somehow? It didn't use to be. Why is it now? He is married and miserable. I can't fix that or make it better. We talked for about 30 minutes. I know he was hoping for something more positive from me but that is so not going to happen. When you make your bed you MUST lie in it. He has avoided lying in it for a very long time. I even heard his wife say once that she feels she found the one good man (or something to that effect). She was singing his praises. I wondered, does she really believe that or is she simply trying to convince herself? Most people know the truth about "Bruce". How could the one person who lives with him NOT know? I suppose there was a time when I tried to convince myself and everyone around me that he was "perfect" all the while knowing the truth but not admitting it out loud. I needed to get off the phone before I said something I would regret. I did, however, politely end the conversation.

After I hung up another ex- called. I will call him "George". "George" lives close by. We ended up talking for nearly 2 hours and after 2 glasses of wine he convinced me to come over for dinner. Afterall, the "real" boyfriend was out with the guys and left me alone on a friday night. As I drove over to "George's" I was getting more upset. I didn't want to go to his house for dinner. I wanted to be with the "real" boyfriend. Didn't the "real" boyfriend want to be with me? And why were all my exes popping up, coming by, calling, etc.? Nevertheless, I stopped by "George's". Instead of dinner we talked some more and then he kissed me! Wow! It all came back to me what a great kisser he was but what the hell was I doing here? We kissed some more and then I jumped up and grabbed my purse. I didn't want to be with "George" and I certainly didn't want to kiss "George". I wanted my "real" boyfriend. "George" begged me to stay and followed me out to my car and wouldn't you know it, his neighbors saw us and stopped to say hello. They gave me that "are you and George back together?" look. I wanted to scream, "NO WAY" but I simply smiled and got in my car. George begged some more and then said "I Love You" and reached in for one more kiss. Good gawd, are we back in high school? I drove off in a panic. Guilt ridden and depressed."George" and I are both single so what is the problem? The problem is, I didn't really want to be there. There is someone better out there for me and he just happened to be out with the guys.

When I got home I immediately called for help. Lori and Jaye to the rescue. Yes, they can usually help snap me back into reality. Lori was out for the night but Jaye was home. Thank God! As my guilt ridden voice cried out Jaye simply said "Babe, you let him kiss you. So what? Look at the big picture, you got up and left. Good for you. I am proud of you. Most people would have stayed anyway and felt worse afterward". So true and perhaps there was a time, a very long time ago, when I would have been afraid to leave. Seems silly but that is true. This time I didn't stay.

I could easily fall into another depression. I would have at one time listened to that little voice saying "Look what you did you bad person". But instead I listened to my good voice, my Jaye voice. The exes came to me. They reached out to me. Although, I took things a tiny step off track I pulled back and went right back on course again.

I don't know where "real" boyfriend and I will end up but I want to know in the end I did everything right. I have a good life and I am surrounded by unconditional love. I am surrounded by alot of good voices telling me the right thing to do and cheering me on. I have learned to recognize the bad voices and although they catch my attention for a moment, after a while I will say "I recognize the sound of that voice" and then not listen. I CAN cover my ears and walk away.

P.S. "George" continues to call or simply show up at my door but I am focused in a good direction right now and I will be damned if any old ex of mine is going to tempt me away!