I had the most odd night of sleep. I went to bed sometime after 9:30. Perhaps 9:49. I tossed a bit but fell into a deep sleep. I awoke abrutly at 10:49. I stared at the clock thinking that it felt like so much time had passed. I tossed around again before I fell asleep. My mind is still full of The Sweater. I keep reliving the last 3 years. I go over everything I did wrong and everything he did right. The ache in my stomach makes me want to puke but I can't. I awake again and this time it is 11:39. So begins my night. I am now flooded with the thought that I was right in breaking it off when I did. Even then I waited too long. It should have been done a long time ago but he would beg me to hold on and give it a go. No one ever wanted to be with me this much. That would always be my excuse to stay. I fall asleep, finally, only to wake and find it 12:39. Odd but I begin to toss and turn again. I ask myself the million dollar question. Why did he want me back so desparately if he knew there was someone else on the back burner? My gut said don't go back and I went anyway. Reliving all the good stuff and feeling guilty for not giving him more of a fair chance to begin with. He was so good to me. Right? He, Joe and I felt like a family. Right? I fall into another deep sleep and I awake again at 1:39. What is with this time? Why do I sleep for exactly one hour and then awake abrutly after being in a deep sleep? While I sleep I dream about The Sweater. In my dreams he is cheating or is it real? I ask myself, "why now? why after 3 years?". I know my answer but I don't want to face it because then I would have to face the facts. It didn't just start after 3 years because it had been going on all along. He was able to compartmentalize. Jeanine is my best girl and these others were just for fun. I abrutly awake at 2:39. What is going on? I toss and turn once again. I relive how he showered me with love and affection. With gifts and trips. Perhaps his way of making up for his constant infidelity. I bought it. Hook, line and sinker. I go into another deep sleep and awake at 3:39. Geez!!! Only to wake with more thoughts of him. I want the ache in my stomach to go away but it feels worse instead of better. I know I loved the man but I also know I wasn't in love with him. I have to keep remembering that even though I never felt as though we were forever I did love being with him. I enjoyed his company and we had the same interests and we were developing a group of friends of our own. Also, I didn't know at this time that he had been unfaithful to the relationship or if I did I turned the other cheek because I wasn't feeling about him the way he seemed to feel about me way back when. I did go through a time when it wouldn't have bothered me, so if I did sense it I didn't care. After all there was that summer he was in Sac working all summer and we began treating each other like good friends. I went out with someone briefly and I often sensed he did have someone because he was a bit distant. When we "reunited" as bf/gf we never spoke of that summer but apparently the infidelities went on and on for him after that and he managed to keep them far far away from us. This time he didn't hide his tracks at all. This time he feels he is in love so he wants it out in the open. Now what? Why does it ache so much? I know I went back for the right reasons. I truly wanted to make this work. I truly believe I had us all figured out and this time it would be even better. Why did he want me back? The alarm went off and it is 5:00. Cycle broken but my stomach aches and I feel foolish.

I do believe that we have to suffer the consequences of our actions. That we must hold ourselves accountable for our choices. Is this my payback? God, I hope so. I honestly don't think I can go through this again.