I am not afraid to say my age. It was commented to me that I say it so much that I must be obsessed with it. Well, I don't think obsessed is the right word but at one time in my life I thought I would be near death at 50! (yes, Joe Smith, you may insert joke)

At 50 I don't feel near death at all but I do want to just feel content in my life. Not think about what I say or what I do and people will look at me and simply not care. Afterall I am 50 and shouldn't you be able to say and do whatever without repercussions? I mean, not say or do things that are hurtful but when you simply make a comment it shouldn't get blown out of proportion. People should know you well enough by now, right? Apparently not so.

Unfortunately I am still invisible to people when I do good deeds (which is as it should be) but I stand out when I vent, or have an opinion different from the rest of the group. When my words are repeated suddenly I was no longer venting I was gossiping and when I have an opinion I suddenly have no idea what I am talking about.

Shouldn't you reach a point when you can just say what you feel without it getting all blown out of proportion? Shouldn't you be able to trust the people you are with, people you have chosen to be with because YOU trust THEM, and say anything without getting yourself in "trouble".

I suppose as I look back I can see when I have always been misinterpreted. People only remember the "mistakes" but never the good stuff. Is that the same with everyone? I wonder.

At 50 I want to be able to vent to whomever I am with and know that it won't get twisted around to the next person. I want to have an opinion that you don't agree with and have you ask me why rather than rip me to shreds for it. I want to know my friends will defend me to the death because I have defended them at one time or another. Disagree with me in private but be there for me in public. I don't want to walk on egg shells anymore.

When I do something nice I don't expect a pat on the back. I do it because I want to but (yes there is a but) it does hurt when 2 of us are doing something for someone and only one of us is acknowledged for it. Shouldn't the other person step forward and say 'I didn't do it alone'. I would for them and have.

So if I don't spend as much time with my friends as I should it is because at 50 I will search out the places I can be me and relax and feel contentment. I thank God for Joe because he makes single parenting easier then it should be with a 15 year old. I thank God for Greg because of his patience and love. Yes, he is quirky with a strange sense of humor but the only man who ever really fought for me and fought to be with me and loves me from the inside out. If I want peace and contentment these two men will "build it for me".

If this is read at all I am sure it will get misinterpreted as well. Just ask me I will tell you but you have to ask.