AND THE BEAT GOES ON - Several years ago I was told that we should view our lives like we are monitoring our hearts. We know our hearts are pumping correctly as we view the lines in the EKG go up and down, like hills and valleys. If there is a straight line then we know there is no life left in us. As long as our lives are going up and down there is still life in us but the minute we are on a straight path we no longer function. As long as I view my life that way I no longer fear the hills and valleys, in fact, I welcome them. This doesn't mean, however, that I always enjoy the journey. Sometimes, I think, I would welcome the straight road ahead.
I will be 52 years old this year and I am not where I had hoped I would be at this moment in my life. I had hoped to still be married, waiting for our son to graduate from high school. The three of us helping Joe plan his future. I planned on still being a phlebotomist with the hospital, going on 24 years. My days of dating and heartbreak would be well behind me. I was looking forward to growing old with my husband. This was my plan.
Unfortunately this was not the plan of those who were a part of my life. As their plans changed so would mine. My plans would have to change in order for me to accommodate the situation. Hence, the never ending peaks and valleys that keeps my heart beating.
Most days are easy for me as I ascend to the top of the hill but when I descend into the valley the road seems harder to travel. I pray for the ascending, in fact, I welcome it as I see it up ahead but I have been going up and down these hills for so long now. I am no longer married, I have changed careers and have seen boyfriends come and go. I have seen friends come and go. I have lost precious family members and watch my parents become more fragile. Each time I say I can do this. God sees me as strong so He is going to challenge me. This is a true compliment. I truly believe that but there are moments when I no longer want the challenge.
My faith has never been as strong as it is today. I try to live my life accordingly. I trust God to take much of the burden away but there are those days when it seems too hard to bare and I wonder if He is much too busy. Of course, I do know He is not too busy. I do know He is listening. I have no doubt about that.
Unfortunately my last break up took a toll on me. How is that possible? I was not in love with the man. Everyone knew it because everyone saw it. I cared about him and hoped things would work out. They did not. Now it is such a struggle to forge ahead. Why is that? He isn't a true and honest person. He is not trustworthy. He certainly doesn't deserve my friendship, let alone my love. How is it possible to stick by someone for 3 years and toss them aside without a care? How does he sleep soundly knowing what he did? I know these are questions I shouldn't be asking. I know I shouldn't give him anymore energy but how do you make it go away? How do you make him 'disappear'? In betraying me he betrayed my son and that alone should wipe him from my mind.
I know as sure as I am writing this that God did not want this man in my life. Perhaps it is not the man at all that is making me feel these things. Perhaps it is having to deal with this one more time. I don't want to deal with it one more day. I don't want to go through this again.
It's just that at this moment in my life I wasn't suppose to be dealing with Joe, finances, work, etc. all alone. I was suppose to have someone to come home to that would help me through it. Wasn't I? I know I have no right to feel this way but how do I make it go away?
I do have much to be thankful for but I just don't want to climb over one more hill. I am too tired. I want someone to physically carry me over the hill.
Tomorrow I will feel differently I am sure but today I just want to crawl into bed and fall asleep and wake up in heaven. Don't worry, I could never voluntarily leave Joe but I could hope and pray for an easier life and heaven would be a grand place to be!
I will be 52 years old this year and I am not where I had hoped I would be at this moment in my life. I had hoped to still be married, waiting for our son to graduate from high school. The three of us helping Joe plan his future. I planned on still being a phlebotomist with the hospital, going on 24 years. My days of dating and heartbreak would be well behind me. I was looking forward to growing old with my husband. This was my plan.
Unfortunately this was not the plan of those who were a part of my life. As their plans changed so would mine. My plans would have to change in order for me to accommodate the situation. Hence, the never ending peaks and valleys that keeps my heart beating.
Most days are easy for me as I ascend to the top of the hill but when I descend into the valley the road seems harder to travel. I pray for the ascending, in fact, I welcome it as I see it up ahead but I have been going up and down these hills for so long now. I am no longer married, I have changed careers and have seen boyfriends come and go. I have seen friends come and go. I have lost precious family members and watch my parents become more fragile. Each time I say I can do this. God sees me as strong so He is going to challenge me. This is a true compliment. I truly believe that but there are moments when I no longer want the challenge.
My faith has never been as strong as it is today. I try to live my life accordingly. I trust God to take much of the burden away but there are those days when it seems too hard to bare and I wonder if He is much too busy. Of course, I do know He is not too busy. I do know He is listening. I have no doubt about that.
Unfortunately my last break up took a toll on me. How is that possible? I was not in love with the man. Everyone knew it because everyone saw it. I cared about him and hoped things would work out. They did not. Now it is such a struggle to forge ahead. Why is that? He isn't a true and honest person. He is not trustworthy. He certainly doesn't deserve my friendship, let alone my love. How is it possible to stick by someone for 3 years and toss them aside without a care? How does he sleep soundly knowing what he did? I know these are questions I shouldn't be asking. I know I shouldn't give him anymore energy but how do you make it go away? How do you make him 'disappear'? In betraying me he betrayed my son and that alone should wipe him from my mind.
I know as sure as I am writing this that God did not want this man in my life. Perhaps it is not the man at all that is making me feel these things. Perhaps it is having to deal with this one more time. I don't want to deal with it one more day. I don't want to go through this again.
It's just that at this moment in my life I wasn't suppose to be dealing with Joe, finances, work, etc. all alone. I was suppose to have someone to come home to that would help me through it. Wasn't I? I know I have no right to feel this way but how do I make it go away?
I do have much to be thankful for but I just don't want to climb over one more hill. I am too tired. I want someone to physically carry me over the hill.
Tomorrow I will feel differently I am sure but today I just want to crawl into bed and fall asleep and wake up in heaven. Don't worry, I could never voluntarily leave Joe but I could hope and pray for an easier life and heaven would be a grand place to be!
posted by Jea9 | 4:34 PM
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