I have written countless blogs, e-mails, letters, etc. about my life changing experiences over the last 5 years. Nothing would prepare me for my life changing experience a week and a half ago or make me realize that I really hadn't come as far as I thought. After my divorce I refused to be an angry, bitter, divorced woman and thought I was pretty strong and forged straight ahead. Now looking back over the last 5 years all I was was an angry, bitter, divorced woman who wanted everyone to feel the pain I felt over the last 5 years. A near fatal car crash can certainly make you re-evaluate your life and where you are and what you came from.
My marriage (which lasted 11 1/2 years) was anything but a happy union. I married because I felt it was time and I married a man who needed me rather then love me. He was a selfish, self centered human being. Only after the birth of our son did I recognize just how selfish he truly can be. Even now he puts himself and his wants and needs before anyone else's. I hid my unhappiness for a long time. I did a good job too. Most people thought of us as a loving and happy family. Behind close doors both Joe and I had to make sacrifices to keep this man happy or life would be unbareable. I don't regret any of it as I have the one perfect child. My only regret was putting up with it for as long as I did. I allowed him to control and manipulate me to the point where I thought there was something emotionally and physically wrong with me because our home life was so miserable. He was never a good husband or father. I took care of our home and finances and the nuturing of our son. Shame on me for staying in an unhealthy environment for both me and my son. Thank God that his selfishness overpowered him and he left. I would more than likely be there still if he hadn't. A broken down old soul with nothing to offer anyone at this point.
I was relieved after a time but never understood how he went from bad to worse. He even managed to find someone who condoned his selfishness and his lack of responsiblity to his son. I promised to not let this behavior turn me sour but it certainly did.
Over the course of the last five years I went through counseling and a series of relationships that in some respect helped me to grow but all in all I was still angry and bitter. Afterall what had I done that even though this man who was so abusive to me could go on without a care in world and be rewarded for it? I felt I struggled each and every day not only to make ends meet but I felt I worked so hard at keeping my relationships strong and real. He managed to find someone who allowed him to be irresponsible. Whenever I wanted to give up on life I was told by those around me to "pick myself up, brush myself off, and move on". No one ever told him that or expected him too. I only became more bitter and more angry.
I did fall in love at one point. The man was my best friend. This is what being in love was all about but still it was such a struggle to keep it together. We wanted the same things but when only one person is working really hard to get to where you both want to be it simply becomes work and you eventually give up. I love him till this day but I was more bitter because he never helped fight to keep us together and even though he admits he still loves me, he was still willing "let go". Again, I found I was angry and bitter. ONLY this time I wanted the world to know. I managed to drag everyone in on it. Making my life, his life and their lives (friends and family) miserable.
Two years ago I met a man who seemed to just take life one day at a time. We have alot in common and enjoy each other's company. I made a point of letting him know I was still in love with someone else even though I couldn't be with this person. The new man stayed by me. Over these last two years I have not made being with me easy but he perseveres.
On the night of July 8th we were coming back from dinner and we crashed into a car that ran a stop sign. It left me with a broken sternum and him with a crushed hand. We were told at the hospital that no one who has had an accident at that intersection ever survives. Also, at the time of the accident my dear high school friend, Lisa, died in a fire. Why had God taken her home and left me here? Lisa was selfless and loving. I was this selfish, bitter, angry woman.
God was definitely using this accident to send a message and this time I damn well better listen. Truly there is no reason to ask why things happen. Everything happens for a reason and I don't plan on taking anything for granted again. My son's father left and thank God for me he did. I am so much better off without him around. He now lives a sad pathetic life because he is with someone who doesn't expect him to lift a finger to do a damn thing. Lucky for me my family and friends do expect me to be responsible and selfless and sometimes they demand that I do so! The relationship with my best friend didn't work but it just simply wasn't meant to be at this time or maybe ever. BUT we are still dear friends who love each other and will always cherish being in each other's lives. I thank God too, that my Greg didn't give up on me and feels I am worth fighting for because he certainly is.
I lost my good friend, Lisa, but I know her well enough to know that if God had said to her "you and Jeanine will be in a serious accident at the same time and I need to bring one of you home" Lisa's reply would have been "take me because Jeanine has a son to raise".
I don't want to be that selfish, bitter, angry woman anymore. I want to do my son proud and the memory of my dear friend, Lisa. I want my friends to be proud to call me friend (if I haven't lost them already). I want a chance to do it right this time and I feel God has given me that chance. I just hope it is not too late.
My marriage (which lasted 11 1/2 years) was anything but a happy union. I married because I felt it was time and I married a man who needed me rather then love me. He was a selfish, self centered human being. Only after the birth of our son did I recognize just how selfish he truly can be. Even now he puts himself and his wants and needs before anyone else's. I hid my unhappiness for a long time. I did a good job too. Most people thought of us as a loving and happy family. Behind close doors both Joe and I had to make sacrifices to keep this man happy or life would be unbareable. I don't regret any of it as I have the one perfect child. My only regret was putting up with it for as long as I did. I allowed him to control and manipulate me to the point where I thought there was something emotionally and physically wrong with me because our home life was so miserable. He was never a good husband or father. I took care of our home and finances and the nuturing of our son. Shame on me for staying in an unhealthy environment for both me and my son. Thank God that his selfishness overpowered him and he left. I would more than likely be there still if he hadn't. A broken down old soul with nothing to offer anyone at this point.
I was relieved after a time but never understood how he went from bad to worse. He even managed to find someone who condoned his selfishness and his lack of responsiblity to his son. I promised to not let this behavior turn me sour but it certainly did.
Over the course of the last five years I went through counseling and a series of relationships that in some respect helped me to grow but all in all I was still angry and bitter. Afterall what had I done that even though this man who was so abusive to me could go on without a care in world and be rewarded for it? I felt I struggled each and every day not only to make ends meet but I felt I worked so hard at keeping my relationships strong and real. He managed to find someone who allowed him to be irresponsible. Whenever I wanted to give up on life I was told by those around me to "pick myself up, brush myself off, and move on". No one ever told him that or expected him too. I only became more bitter and more angry.
I did fall in love at one point. The man was my best friend. This is what being in love was all about but still it was such a struggle to keep it together. We wanted the same things but when only one person is working really hard to get to where you both want to be it simply becomes work and you eventually give up. I love him till this day but I was more bitter because he never helped fight to keep us together and even though he admits he still loves me, he was still willing "let go". Again, I found I was angry and bitter. ONLY this time I wanted the world to know. I managed to drag everyone in on it. Making my life, his life and their lives (friends and family) miserable.
Two years ago I met a man who seemed to just take life one day at a time. We have alot in common and enjoy each other's company. I made a point of letting him know I was still in love with someone else even though I couldn't be with this person. The new man stayed by me. Over these last two years I have not made being with me easy but he perseveres.
On the night of July 8th we were coming back from dinner and we crashed into a car that ran a stop sign. It left me with a broken sternum and him with a crushed hand. We were told at the hospital that no one who has had an accident at that intersection ever survives. Also, at the time of the accident my dear high school friend, Lisa, died in a fire. Why had God taken her home and left me here? Lisa was selfless and loving. I was this selfish, bitter, angry woman.
God was definitely using this accident to send a message and this time I damn well better listen. Truly there is no reason to ask why things happen. Everything happens for a reason and I don't plan on taking anything for granted again. My son's father left and thank God for me he did. I am so much better off without him around. He now lives a sad pathetic life because he is with someone who doesn't expect him to lift a finger to do a damn thing. Lucky for me my family and friends do expect me to be responsible and selfless and sometimes they demand that I do so! The relationship with my best friend didn't work but it just simply wasn't meant to be at this time or maybe ever. BUT we are still dear friends who love each other and will always cherish being in each other's lives. I thank God too, that my Greg didn't give up on me and feels I am worth fighting for because he certainly is.
I lost my good friend, Lisa, but I know her well enough to know that if God had said to her "you and Jeanine will be in a serious accident at the same time and I need to bring one of you home" Lisa's reply would have been "take me because Jeanine has a son to raise".
I don't want to be that selfish, bitter, angry woman anymore. I want to do my son proud and the memory of my dear friend, Lisa. I want my friends to be proud to call me friend (if I haven't lost them already). I want a chance to do it right this time and I feel God has given me that chance. I just hope it is not too late.
posted by Jea9 | 1:03 PM
2 Comments:
Hey Ching:
I've been thinking so much about your post since I first read it a few days ago. You are to be commended for giving your readers such great "food for thought." It seems to me that is blogging at its very best.
But I also have to take issue with your self-assessment. You are being WAY too hard on yourself -- excessively self-critical. You are about the least angry and bitter person I know. Which is why I found yur post so harshly surprising.
Whenever I see or correspond with you, you are upbeat and positive. I can think of few people who openly exude as much love for their kid(s) as you do. You are a hard worker and totally devoted parent. There's nothing wrong with being those things.
And there's nothing wrong with feeling some resentment that your kid's father doesn't share your enthusiasm for the job. I don't think that justifiable disapointment and hurt qualifies you for "bitter and angry" status.
Rather, it seems to me that you and I have, over the years, made the inevitable transition from young, idealistic, hopeful college kids to mature, seasoned, experienced and yes, somewhat beaten-up-by-life-and-love, women. Isn't it just the natural order of things?
We all have a catalogue of hurts, disappointments, and resentments at this point in our lives. I think the difference between "bitter and angry" and "seasoned" is what you do with that catalogue. I don't see you letting your life experiences eat away at you. I don't see you lashing out at other people. I don't see you putting your kid through hell because his father is emotionally incapable of parenting the way you dreamed he would.
Instead, I've always seen you as a person who learns from what life throws you. I see you as a woman you takes the things she experiences and uses them to avoid getting into similar problem situations in the future. Think about it this way: How many people our age do you know who have married over and over and over . . . and essentially the same person repeatedly? You've never done that! You haven't even gone from relationship to relationship with the same kind of person. You have ventured into other types of relationships, determined not to repeat the mistakes of your marriage. Maybe not all of those relationships have worked out in the long run, but each one has, I'm sure, been valauble in its own way and brought you additional life lessons to draw upon.
And you're still reaching out to people! Most of the people I know who are "bitter and angry" stop reaching out to other human beings. I have one friend in particular who never crosses his own property line. He has isolated himself from others and drowns his sorrows in a bottle of vodka each day. THAT is "bitter and angry" at its most destructive level.
So . . . my plane is about to board and this is lengthy enough. Just know that I am one friend who thinks you totally miss the mark in evaluating and describing yourself and hope that you will ligthen up and give yourself a break. You are doing so much RIGHT. The accident has set you back a few paces and caused you to reassess -- which is always a good thing -- but don't be so hard on yourself in the process.
Thanks Janie, you are the best!
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