The "Broad" Cast

2007-10-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Friend, I hope that I do not have to explain to you or anyone what you mean to me. I often wonder how you could possibly love me so much. We are so completely different in every respect and yet I cannot imagine life without you in it.

I am a Christian. It is a huge part of who I am. I have my own prayer list and I pray everyday, sometimes all day long. It brings me peace, comfort and sometimes joy to the fullest degree. I believe beyond a shadow of doubt that He exists. I grew up never knowing anything else. I have had many moments when I have yelled at Him, accused Him of things, and certainly have often asked Him, "Why?".

I have very few friends I can share this with openly without getting a dirty look, or a response of "stop right there". I am, however, expected to listen to people put down the God that I love so much. I am debated, ridiculed, or verbally "slapped" in the face because of my faith in something they do not think exists. I understand that it comes from lumping me into the group of Christians out there who think they are "god" and they know best. So I generally sit back and listen and quietly pray for God's guidance. I don't want to upset or hurt anyone over what they believe or do not believe. I just don't want to tip toe around them or be made to feel bad because I might offend them because I am a Christian. All I can do at times is pray for them. Sometimes it is all I have to offer. It is never a waste of time for me to pray.

I, too, am offended by people who call themselves Christians and then point their finger in judgment. It sickened me when I heard the way your mom spoke to you. I wanted to scream at her and say "how dare you call yourself a Christian". Unfortunately these are the people that others look at and think ALL Christians must be like that. Which is why I am doing my best to not judge others. We are not all exactly the same simply because we claim to belong to the same group of people.

This makes me aware of the fact that sometimes all my friends have to offer is their own way of letting me know they are thinking of me and that they love me. This may be by saying "I will send good thoughts of you out into the universe" or "I have this ritual that may help see you through this hard time". I would never in a million years dream of saying to them, "how dare you!" because I know it comes from a very sincere place and I am aware that they don't believe in my God. This is their way to let me know this is their way of "helping".

I am aware that I am not perfect. I am aware of my past and my poor decision making. I remember I use to have a horrendous temper. I have hurt a great many people because I would jump the gun or I was so incredibly judgemental. I have been written off by many. I just don't want to be written off because I am Christian.

Ever since the incident with The Sweater I have done my best to change me, not those around me. I want to be more compassionate instead of angry, have more peace instead of anxiety, more joy instead of sorrow. Mostly because I don't want to end up choosing one more bad partner. So part of that "cleansing" for me comes from my faith. It is more focused these days and I cannot imagine starting my day any other way then in prayer.

I love you, my friend, and I would never do anything intentionately to hurt or offend you but sometimes all I have to offer is my prayers.

2007-08-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

THE WASTE OF TIME?...Is there such a thing as wasted time? I say out loud the answer is "no" but I cannot see the point from July 2004 to June 2007. There must be a lesson here. I pray that God will show me what He wanted me to know but I haven't heard it yet. Actually, I learned to hear God's voice because of it. I can now say that God's voice is loud and clear in my life but what about having The Sweater in my life? Was I suppose to learn something from The Sweater directly? Why him? I pose this question because a friend of mine is going through a similar situation. I am good at telling her that it was not wasted time and that she and I did what was right. I know I loved deeply and sincerely and did the right thing by the relationship. We have no control over how someone else deals with the same situation. I still feel The Sweater was brought to me for a specific reason. I could have learned to hear God's voice in any given situation. Why did I have to go through what I did with him?

I will not dwell on this but I am sure there will be times when the question will confront me. Perhaps the next time the answer will be crystal clear. In the meantime I must forge ahead and walk the path that God has laid out for me.

To my dear sweet friend who is going through this similar thing, "Let's not focus on what is already done. Forget what is behind and move toward what is ahead". Let's not waste one more day on past decisions that we can no longer change. One day the answers will be clear and we will know we are stronger and wiser because of it.

2007-08-20T16:34:00.001-07:00

AND THE BEAT GOES ON - Several years ago I was told that we should view our lives like we are monitoring our hearts. We know our hearts are pumping correctly as we view the lines in the EKG go up and down, like hills and valleys. If there is a straight line then we know there is no life left in us. As long as our lives are going up and down there is still life in us but the minute we are on a straight path we no longer function. As long as I view my life that way I no longer fear the hills and valleys, in fact, I welcome them. This doesn't mean, however, that I always enjoy the journey. Sometimes, I think, I would welcome the straight road ahead.

I will be 52 years old this year and I am not where I had hoped I would be at this moment in my life. I had hoped to still be married, waiting for our son to graduate from high school. The three of us helping Joe plan his future. I planned on still being a phlebotomist with the hospital, going on 24 years. My days of dating and heartbreak would be well behind me. I was looking forward to growing old with my husband. This was my plan.

Unfortunately this was not the plan of those who were a part of my life. As their plans changed so would mine. My plans would have to change in order for me to accommodate the situation. Hence, the never ending peaks and valleys that keeps my heart beating.

Most days are easy for me as I ascend to the top of the hill but when I descend into the valley the road seems harder to travel. I pray for the ascending, in fact, I welcome it as I see it up ahead but I have been going up and down these hills for so long now. I am no longer married, I have changed careers and have seen boyfriends come and go. I have seen friends come and go. I have lost precious family members and watch my parents become more fragile. Each time I say I can do this. God sees me as strong so He is going to challenge me. This is a true compliment. I truly believe that but there are moments when I no longer want the challenge.

My faith has never been as strong as it is today. I try to live my life accordingly. I trust God to take much of the burden away but there are those days when it seems too hard to bare and I wonder if He is much too busy. Of course, I do know He is not too busy. I do know He is listening. I have no doubt about that.

Unfortunately my last break up took a toll on me. How is that possible? I was not in love with the man. Everyone knew it because everyone saw it. I cared about him and hoped things would work out. They did not. Now it is such a struggle to forge ahead. Why is that? He isn't a true and honest person. He is not trustworthy. He certainly doesn't deserve my friendship, let alone my love. How is it possible to stick by someone for 3 years and toss them aside without a care? How does he sleep soundly knowing what he did? I know these are questions I shouldn't be asking. I know I shouldn't give him anymore energy but how do you make it go away? How do you make him 'disappear'? In betraying me he betrayed my son and that alone should wipe him from my mind.

I know as sure as I am writing this that God did not want this man in my life. Perhaps it is not the man at all that is making me feel these things. Perhaps it is having to deal with this one more time. I don't want to deal with it one more day. I don't want to go through this again.

It's just that at this moment in my life I wasn't suppose to be dealing with Joe, finances, work, etc. all alone. I was suppose to have someone to come home to that would help me through it. Wasn't I? I know I have no right to feel this way but how do I make it go away?

I do have much to be thankful for but I just don't want to climb over one more hill. I am too tired. I want someone to physically carry me over the hill.

Tomorrow I will feel differently I am sure but today I just want to crawl into bed and fall asleep and wake up in heaven. Don't worry, I could never voluntarily leave Joe but I could hope and pray for an easier life and heaven would be a grand place to be!

2007-07-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

I had the most odd night of sleep. I went to bed sometime after 9:30. Perhaps 9:49. I tossed a bit but fell into a deep sleep. I awoke abrutly at 10:49. I stared at the clock thinking that it felt like so much time had passed. I tossed around again before I fell asleep. My mind is still full of The Sweater. I keep reliving the last 3 years. I go over everything I did wrong and everything he did right. The ache in my stomach makes me want to puke but I can't. I awake again and this time it is 11:39. So begins my night. I am now flooded with the thought that I was right in breaking it off when I did. Even then I waited too long. It should have been done a long time ago but he would beg me to hold on and give it a go. No one ever wanted to be with me this much. That would always be my excuse to stay. I fall asleep, finally, only to wake and find it 12:39. Odd but I begin to toss and turn again. I ask myself the million dollar question. Why did he want me back so desparately if he knew there was someone else on the back burner? My gut said don't go back and I went anyway. Reliving all the good stuff and feeling guilty for not giving him more of a fair chance to begin with. He was so good to me. Right? He, Joe and I felt like a family. Right? I fall into another deep sleep and I awake again at 1:39. What is with this time? Why do I sleep for exactly one hour and then awake abrutly after being in a deep sleep? While I sleep I dream about The Sweater. In my dreams he is cheating or is it real? I ask myself, "why now? why after 3 years?". I know my answer but I don't want to face it because then I would have to face the facts. It didn't just start after 3 years because it had been going on all along. He was able to compartmentalize. Jeanine is my best girl and these others were just for fun. I abrutly awake at 2:39. What is going on? I toss and turn once again. I relive how he showered me with love and affection. With gifts and trips. Perhaps his way of making up for his constant infidelity. I bought it. Hook, line and sinker. I go into another deep sleep and awake at 3:39. Geez!!! Only to wake with more thoughts of him. I want the ache in my stomach to go away but it feels worse instead of better. I know I loved the man but I also know I wasn't in love with him. I have to keep remembering that even though I never felt as though we were forever I did love being with him. I enjoyed his company and we had the same interests and we were developing a group of friends of our own. Also, I didn't know at this time that he had been unfaithful to the relationship or if I did I turned the other cheek because I wasn't feeling about him the way he seemed to feel about me way back when. I did go through a time when it wouldn't have bothered me, so if I did sense it I didn't care. After all there was that summer he was in Sac working all summer and we began treating each other like good friends. I went out with someone briefly and I often sensed he did have someone because he was a bit distant. When we "reunited" as bf/gf we never spoke of that summer but apparently the infidelities went on and on for him after that and he managed to keep them far far away from us. This time he didn't hide his tracks at all. This time he feels he is in love so he wants it out in the open. Now what? Why does it ache so much? I know I went back for the right reasons. I truly wanted to make this work. I truly believe I had us all figured out and this time it would be even better. Why did he want me back? The alarm went off and it is 5:00. Cycle broken but my stomach aches and I feel foolish.

I do believe that we have to suffer the consequences of our actions. That we must hold ourselves accountable for our choices. Is this my payback? God, I hope so. I honestly don't think I can go through this again.

2007-06-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

The X Factor - This past week I will refer to as the week of the exes. I am still trying to figure out how they "found" my number when for a very long time most of them claim to have "lost it".

I have a "real" boyfriend. Let me clarify that, we are together but not officially. To try to be more clear we both need alot of work before we officially commit here, again, but we are seeing each other exclusively. I feel positive with the direction it seems to be headed but occasionally I get scared. I revert back to that childish insecurity. Last night was one of those moments.

All week long I have had messages from exes from all over the place. What is up with that? Yesterday I thought I would call the "real boyfriend" and set up a date. He had already made plans with the guys. Okay, no big. Right? Wrong, childish insecurity sets in. He doesn't have to call to let me know his schedule. We are welcome to do whatever we like, whenever we like. We are both trying to let things unfold as they should. I have a hard time with that but I think it is important to me to change my course of action so I take a deep breath and let go. Last night I just wanted to be with him but that wasn't going to happen. I felt myself fighting that "childish insecurity".

After I arrived home there they were more messages from the exes, a few of them. One even stopped by! After chitchatting with him for a bit and sending him on his way I returned the phone call of "Bruce". "Bruce" and I have known each other for many years. Circumstances keep us in touch with each other. "Bruce" said he was calling to see how Joe and I were doing but as it turned out he just wanted to hear my voice. Is my voice soothing somehow? It didn't use to be. Why is it now? He is married and miserable. I can't fix that or make it better. We talked for about 30 minutes. I know he was hoping for something more positive from me but that is so not going to happen. When you make your bed you MUST lie in it. He has avoided lying in it for a very long time. I even heard his wife say once that she feels she found the one good man (or something to that effect). She was singing his praises. I wondered, does she really believe that or is she simply trying to convince herself? Most people know the truth about "Bruce". How could the one person who lives with him NOT know? I suppose there was a time when I tried to convince myself and everyone around me that he was "perfect" all the while knowing the truth but not admitting it out loud. I needed to get off the phone before I said something I would regret. I did, however, politely end the conversation.

After I hung up another ex- called. I will call him "George". "George" lives close by. We ended up talking for nearly 2 hours and after 2 glasses of wine he convinced me to come over for dinner. Afterall, the "real" boyfriend was out with the guys and left me alone on a friday night. As I drove over to "George's" I was getting more upset. I didn't want to go to his house for dinner. I wanted to be with the "real" boyfriend. Didn't the "real" boyfriend want to be with me? And why were all my exes popping up, coming by, calling, etc.? Nevertheless, I stopped by "George's". Instead of dinner we talked some more and then he kissed me! Wow! It all came back to me what a great kisser he was but what the hell was I doing here? We kissed some more and then I jumped up and grabbed my purse. I didn't want to be with "George" and I certainly didn't want to kiss "George". I wanted my "real" boyfriend. "George" begged me to stay and followed me out to my car and wouldn't you know it, his neighbors saw us and stopped to say hello. They gave me that "are you and George back together?" look. I wanted to scream, "NO WAY" but I simply smiled and got in my car. George begged some more and then said "I Love You" and reached in for one more kiss. Good gawd, are we back in high school? I drove off in a panic. Guilt ridden and depressed."George" and I are both single so what is the problem? The problem is, I didn't really want to be there. There is someone better out there for me and he just happened to be out with the guys.

When I got home I immediately called for help. Lori and Jaye to the rescue. Yes, they can usually help snap me back into reality. Lori was out for the night but Jaye was home. Thank God! As my guilt ridden voice cried out Jaye simply said "Babe, you let him kiss you. So what? Look at the big picture, you got up and left. Good for you. I am proud of you. Most people would have stayed anyway and felt worse afterward". So true and perhaps there was a time, a very long time ago, when I would have been afraid to leave. Seems silly but that is true. This time I didn't stay.

I could easily fall into another depression. I would have at one time listened to that little voice saying "Look what you did you bad person". But instead I listened to my good voice, my Jaye voice. The exes came to me. They reached out to me. Although, I took things a tiny step off track I pulled back and went right back on course again.

I don't know where "real" boyfriend and I will end up but I want to know in the end I did everything right. I have a good life and I am surrounded by unconditional love. I am surrounded by alot of good voices telling me the right thing to do and cheering me on. I have learned to recognize the bad voices and although they catch my attention for a moment, after a while I will say "I recognize the sound of that voice" and then not listen. I CAN cover my ears and walk away.

P.S. "George" continues to call or simply show up at my door but I am focused in a good direction right now and I will be damned if any old ex of mine is going to tempt me away!

2007-05-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

Although I have heard the saying "You don't know what you've got til it's gone" and have said it to others myself I have to truthfully say I have not really experienced it. I have always known what was right in front of me but knew that for one reason or another it wasn't right for me at the time and I had to walk away. At the age of 45 I fell in love for the very first time in my life. Yes, I had loved before but this was real heart and soul deep love. As I use to say to people who asked how I felt about him (I will call him "Boyfriend 1") I would say "I am truly, madly, deeply in love". It never felt as though I could breathe without him. He felt the same which made it that much more intense. I knew the man I had right in front of me but for many reasons I had to walk away and regretted it immediately. He is the sort of man that there is NO second chance. Well, no second chance for me because he never felt he deserved me. He certainly didn't feel he deserved to be loved that deeply. Let's just say he loved me so much he felt I was better off without him. I struggled with this for a very long time and only recently did I accept that he was right.

Shortly after that break up (which was 3 years ago) I began dating a man who would change my life completely. When we began dating I told him of "Boyfriend 1" and my deep feelings for him. I told "Boyfriend 2" that if he wanted to continue to date me he had to accept this about me. Believe it or not HE DID! Over the course of the next 3 years "Boyfriend 2" introduced me to a life I never knew existed. When we would take walks he showed me how to appreciate nature and all it's beauty. He taught me to "hear" beauty in all different kinds of music. Not just an appreciation of the music or the lyric but the song as a whole. He taught me to listen to the most intricit parts of the song. He taught me to cook and explore the different flavors of the food. He taught me how to appreciate wine and even scotch. He taught me to take my time with life and just enjoy. He took me to the most amazing places. We ate at places I had only read about but never thought I would ever frequent. We attended the symphony, ballet, theatre, museums, galleries, etc. on a regular basis. He opened me to a world I never knew existed. Okay, I knew it existed but didn't think I would ever be a part of it.

However, I went into this relationship saying this will not last forever. Sometimes I would indicate otherwise but that was because I thought that is what most people wanted to hear. My feelings for "Boyfriend 1" always interferred with me going forward with "Boyfriend 2". Last summer "BF 2" and I were in a major car accident. His quick thinking and selflessness saved my life but it changed us both and not in a good way. I truly appreciated what he had done and often felt confused by my feelings because of all he had done for me and I felt drawn closer to him because of the accident but "BF 1" still played an important part in my life. I am sure that in some way "BF 2" felt 'neglected'. I mean, really, how could he not? Yet, as I felt him pull away I wasn't ready to let go. This world he had introduced me to was so amazing. After that I became the sort of woman I despise, helpless and needy. This drew him even further away.One night our conversation lead us to "where are we going in this relationship?". He said "I don't see us as forever". This was the first time he had ever said anything like that out loud. It is what I had felt all along but never said to him. He was the one who always held on tight and now he was letting go. He said he wanted to explore other friendships. What I heard was "I want to see other women". I said I wanted a monogamous relationship like we had had for the last 3 years. He heard "marry me or it is over".

Needless to say we ended it that night.I cried for 24 hours and then I felt done. I wanted to wipe him completely from my life. I mean, afterall, I was in love with another man, right? I couldn't have been more wrong. Not only had I fooled myself I fooled many people around me and not intentionally. Over the course of the next 2 months I experienced a depression I had never experienced ever in my life. Not even in my divorce did I get this low.

(Contrary to popular belief I was angry NOT depressed after "H" left and NOT because I was sorry to see him go but for reasons that if I shared them here and now certain people would twist and turn it and then cause me more grief with that situation because they don't seem to have a life of their own. You know the old saying, Misery loves Company. This, I might add, does not refer to "H's" wife, who has been just amazing).

I was so low that even getting out of bed was a struggle. I had to because I had a son to take care of. Joe has no one else. I knew I was the only one who would make sure he got what he needed and deserved. I became more angry at "H" because he left Joe behind and I had to carry ALL of it. He allowed himself the choice to leave and go far, far away and I didn't have any choice at all so I had to push myself. This only made the depression worse. I found I hated going to work because I had to put on a brave face and I love my job but all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole. I couldn't let my family see this side of me. I mean, what would they think? (probably they just would have loved me but I didn't realize that then) I didn't want to socialize except with a very tight knit group that allowed me to fall apart when I needed to.

It was my friend, Rae, who helped me begin the healing process. I woke up one morning knowing I couldn't go on like this any longer. I didn't think of myself as suicidal but I prayed every night that God would take me in my sleep. But if I died what would happen to Joe? I even found myself making arrangements for him just in case I got "lucky enough" that God would actually listen to that prayer.

Rae talked me through so much because she totally understood where I was coming from. She gave me things to meditate on. This along with the power of prayer and allowing Jesus to "take the wheel", I was able to get myself out of bed in the morning. I started exercising and eating moderately and more healthy. This helped me to clearly see what had been right in front of me all along. This realization only came to me very recently.

Last week "BF 2" and I had a long talk and cleared the air about many things, most importantly the miscommunication. I saw that he too was experiencing the same depression. Because I am a bit further ahead in my healing I am now able to help him through his own healing process. We are both a work in progress. Last night we went on a real date and had a great time but there is still so much there that needs to get worked out in both of us. I am so proud of him though. If I am ever blessed to have him in my life full time again he will no longer have to take 2nd place to "BF 1". I will love and cherish the man that he is and is becoming. If it is just not meant to be then hopefully we can remain good friends. I know I will forever be greatful to God for bringing him into my life. And when you think about it it was "BF 1" that brought me "BF 2" in the first place!

Isn't it ironic?

2007-02-19T09:49:00.000-08:00

TO FORGIVE HUMAN, TO FORGET DIVINE - Most of us are faced with forgiving and forgetting on a daily basis. For me the forgiving part is so easy. It is the letting go and forgetting about it that is more difficult.

Yesterday a friend and I had a discussion on how to best make a relationship work. He said it takes patience and understanding. I said it takes patience, understanding and forgiveness on BOTH parts and of course the desire for both parties to want the relationship to work. My friend and I have had numerous moments in our 20 years of knowing each other that we have had to forgive. He can forgive and forget. I forgive but never forget because my belief was that if I forgot I would allow the situation to consume me again.

It is the not forgetting that makes us angry and the pain can be unbareable. So how do we forgive someone when they have done us wrong and let go of it? Is there a secret to this?
In 2005 I was faced with a painful incident that involved 2 other people that I loved dearly. After the incident I prayed everyday that God would restore the friendships that were lost because of this unfortunate incident. Inside I felt that even if we all forgave each other we would never forget the words and actions that had been exchanged and things would never be as they were. Well, call it luck, fate or divine intervention but one person stepped forward and asked to be forgiven. She wiped the slate clean and has never looked back. This gave me the courage to go to the third person involved and ask forgiveness. The three of us have not only restored the friendships but we all have a stronger bond and are more determined then ever to NEVER let any misunderstanding or human being come between us again. I believe this happened because all of us wanted it and we were all determined to right what was made wrong.

Right now I have two situations that are on my mind. One of my best friends said to me that forgiveness is two-fold. We forgive to cleanse our soul and hopefully that will help the other person to do the same and do the right thing. But if the other party refuses to acknowledge their wrong doing and keeps giving it back to you how do you allow yourself to rid yourself of their misery? There is one person I have tried to forgive for years and ask forgiveness so we can relieve ourselves of this dark cloud but their response is always condescending and patronizing. Then I find myself back to square one. Misery loves company, I guess.

My sister's answer is to forgive and then look at the blessings the person and/or incident brought to our life. My boyfriend said to give them back the black cloud and then "step out of their way" so they can't give it back. I am not sure of the answer but I have a new incident that needs to be put to rest. I am told in every incident that I have had to encounter that the people involved will never take the necessary steps to right what was made wrong so therefore I should. Sometimes I do get tired of having to be the bigger person but I have to remember "It is the strongest character that God gives the most challenges". I suppose it really shouldn't matter who takes the first step as long as it is done but what if the other person or persons are not open to it? Then what? How then do I "let go" of it and not allow it to touch my life again?

I do thank God for Brookie everyday for being the bigger person in 2005. I feel closer to her now then I did before the incident.

I thank God that my friendship to Mike has meant as much to him as it does to me. We have a stronger bond today then we did in 2003 and we were very close then so that is saying something.

But this situation happened successfully because ALL parties wanted to make things right.
I certainly have moved on but occasionally others push their misery into my personal space. I am aware of my blessings but I suppose I don't say 'thank you' enough. Maybe that is why I allow them to give me their misery? I wish I had the answer.

2007-02-09T16:45:00.000-08:00

HEROES - Several years ago I had the great opportunity to hear Maya Angelou speak. What an amazing woman. I have respected and admired her for years. In her speech she said that it is very sad that most people could not look to their own families and find heroes. At that moment I wished I had been sitting in the front row so I could raise my hand and tell her that my heroes are my family. I had always taken it for granted but her speech made me realize that I was very lucky.

My maternal-grandpa died when I was 9 but I remember him vividly. He was a kind and gentle man who loved his family more then anything in the world. I remember fighting with my siblings and cousins to sit on his lap. Somehow he made room for all of us.

My maternal-grandma died when I was 17. She too was kind and gentle. When I was a young girl I told her that I wished we were a rich and famous family. Her response would stay with me to this day, "when you have your health you are 'rich' ". She came to America at the age of 16 and couldn't speak english. She decided to go to school to learn the language. It was very important to her. She found classes difficult and hard to follow so she quit. She started listening to the radio everyday and that is how she learned the language. She spoke beautifully.

My paternal-grandma died when I was 35. She knew her time was nearing when I was pregnant with Joe and she would beg me to hurry and have the baby. She wanted to see him so badly. The day he was born she had a massive stroke and lived til he was 9 months old. Although she could not speak her hands were strong and she loved holding him. She felt previleged to be in this country and never looked back. She made me proud to be here too.

My paternal-grandpa was another story which I won't get into but it made my Dad the man he is today.

My Dad is a proud man. He served his country during World War II. He is a kind and generous man who is loved by all who know him. I learned my patriotism from him. A strong Democrat who believed you MUST respect the man who sits in the Oval office. Of course, recently he has felt differently and so he says nothing. If you have nothing good to say then you say nothing. My Dad owned his own business and worked 7 days a week. His store hours were 7:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. and my Dad was there most of the time. Although he was rarely home I don't remember lacking for his attention. He believed in providing for his family first. I also remember that he never complained because he felt this is what he should do, what he was suppose to do. His children were ALWAYS number one. No, he wasn't perfect but he did the best he knew how and as far as I am concerned he did a damn good job. He told me when I was a teenager, "You must learn to provide for yourself as an adult. Don't EVER depend on a man to take care of you". I never have. He never use to say "I love you" easily or how proud he was of his kids but somehow you always knew. A few years ago when Joe and I were left on our own I took the bull by the horns. My Dad called me one day and said "I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you and how much I love you". I told him I was able to do it because of what I learned from him.

My Mom was considered the most beautiful woman in Stockton in her day. To me she always was. I was a mama's girl. Something that drove her crazy when I was young but something she grew to love later. She, too, put her children first and foremost. I learned another lesson from my mom that has helped me over the years. She said "Life is not easy. Being married is especially difficult. There are obstacles along the way but if you force yourself to get over them it is so much better on the other side". I have gotten through difficult times in my life because I was never surprised by the difficult times. I accepted them and forged ahead. (For the record, we are still allowed to get angry over moments in our life and lash out but that doesn't mean we haven't forged ahead. How sad that I am constantly having to add that disclaimer).

Last July I was in a severe car accident that left me with a broken sternum. I couldn't move without help so I was taken to my parents home to have them care for me. As I watched my Mom, who is crippled with rheumatoid arthritis, care for me I cried. When she asked me what was the matter, I said "I should be taking care of you". She said "I would rather be caring for you then burying you". She brought me back into reality.

To my parents, being Lebanese Catholics was extremely important. We grew up being proud of our heritage but lucky to be living in the United States. My Dad always wanted us to remember who our ancestors were and where they came from so we could feel proud to be where we are.

As of now my folks are in their 80s. My Mom is in the hospital and very ill. I hope we can bring her home next week but time will tell. As I watch this very fragile woman fight for her life and my father at her side scared to death of losing her I think of the wonderful life they have given me. They have been married nearly 61 years and are "glued at the hip". They have loved each other and their children unconditionally. I am so very lucky to call these two people "Mom" and "Dad". They out lived their oldest child and managed to get up everyday and breathe in and out and take care of the rest of their family. It is because of them that even though I could not give my son the life that I had he will still have a priviledged life because of what they gave to me and I was able to pass onto him.

These people are my heroes and how lucky I am to call them my family

2007-01-01T15:54:00.000-08:00

"LITTLE BLACK BOOK" ... Today is 1/1/07. First day of the year. Symbol of new beginnings, resolutions, putting the last year behind us. I woke up ready for my new day in my new year. I was going to start sorting through drawers and closets. I wanted to re-organize my home. After working for a bit I took a break to watch a movie I had rented ages ago call "Little Black Book". It would seem by watching the trailers of the film that it was just a sappy little comedy but I was intrigued. It captured me from the get go. Of course, it was a movie about boy meets girl, boy gets girl but it asked the question "does girl really want to keep boy because what does she really know about him?" AND if she does stay with him does she really want to know what is in the past? I mean, shouldn't the past be the past? It was, also, a movie about "hopes and dreams". A simple subject but in reality you never want to lose your hopes and dreams because that is what gets us out of bed every morning. The bottom line for me in the movie was to go after your hearts desire but use your head to do it.
Yesterday, 12/31/06, I was driving around town doing errands. Right in front of me was a Black Chevy Silverado. It was the same type of vehicle that caused our car accident back in July. I immediately felt frightened but the truck sped up and drove off far away from me. To me this symbolized leaving 2006 behind. After the movie today, I thought about the frightened feeling I got when I saw the truck. We can certainly leave the past in the past and move forward. We can start each day with new dreams, new ideas, new hopes but we don't leave ALL the past in the past. We do take a part of us with us.
I doubt there will ever come a day when I can see a Black Chevy Silverado and not think about the accident and get a frightened feeling but I do know the feeling will pass and I will feel safe once again. There will always be something about our past that will strike some sort of cord with us. Hearing certain names will still make us angry, or driving by a special place that no longer exists and we still become sad. These are just memories in our hearts but we need to use our heads to deal with them.
The movie didn't end the way I thought it would. It ended the way it should have ended, the way I hope 2007 does for me. The way it SHOULD.

2006-12-27T05:32:00.000-08:00

I recently read a blog by my friend, Jaye. He has very strong opinions about movies, tv, politics, religion. Agree or disagree but they are HIS opinions. HIS feelings. If you look at both Jaye and I we would appear to have little in common. We disagree about movies, tv, & religion. We don't even agree how the other handles certain situations and yet because we have a tremendous amount of respect for one another (and we are aware of what is in each other's heart) we are great friends. I would never in a million years tell him he was wrong about HIS feelings nor would he tell me that I was wrong. On many levels we simply agree to disagree.After I read Jaye's blog I went back to my "archives" and looked at everything I have ever blogged and the comments. Some of it was painful to read. Some of it no longer mattered. Some stayed true. Nonetheless, they were real at the time and true to what I felt.For instance last month one of my blogs caused a great deal of controversy which I did not handle well. What I should have done was simply hit the delete button as "people" e-mailed their feelings about me to me on MY space. The bottom line was these "people" had no idea what was truly going on behind closed doors. I should have ignored them but allowed myself to get caught up in the drama. In the long run, it brought my son and I closer together. So whatever "stuff" they were trying to do only worked in my favor.How I worded my blog was probably not the best because what I should have said was "It is easy to be a step-parent. A step-parent is either pure evil or absolutely adored. There is no gray area. There is no responsibility there so you can always look like the good guy". Nonetheless, it was my own feeling at the time for ONLY my friends to "hear".
Yes, there are kids that have gone through worse then my kid but all he knows is broken promises and distance. So, too bad if someone out there feels he needs to get over it or that I need to as well. I should have turned the other cheek but I allowed it to get blown up but again, God must have had a hand in it because it gave me one blessing after another.What does "over it" mean anyway? No one gets over something that was important in their life. They do, however, move on but there are scars and deep rooted feelings. As my attorney told me "Girl, you are not bitter or angry but a seasoned, beaten-up-by-life woman". Does it make me not thankful for life or what I have? Does it paralyze me from moving forward? Absolutely not. They are simply my own personal feelings or opinions. Shouldn't we be allowed our OPINIONS, our FEELINGS? It shows we have a mind. Shouldn't we be allowed to share it with whomever we like? It has only shown exactly who I am. I have a very strong support system. Even when family and friends don't agree with me you better not mess with their girl. They have always risen to my defense.Unfortunately I have allowed the very few who do disagree with me rule how I feel and I apologize for what was truly mine (my true feelings) and that is wrong. It usually lasts for only a moment and then I "wake-up". Nonetheless we should concentrate on the many who accept us for us and not the few who "disagree". I have a friend who is a newspaper columnist. He puts it out there and people disagree with him on a daily basis but he handles all of it so well. I really must ask him how he does it.Friday night we celebrated Christmas with Joe. Greg cooked dinner and after dinner we opened presents, fixed up Joe's room and watched a movie. I looked at my little family and was ever so thankful for my guys. I realized that God didn't judge me for my opinions, my feelings. I mean I have so much. Trust me, karma will bite you in the ass. We are all held accountable for our actions. We must accept the consequences BUT if our feelings are true and real then we are not 'wrong'. Had I handled my situation differently I may not have received such blessings afterward. It forced me to "come clean" with Joe and that proved to strengthen our relationship. So in many ways I am thankful for putting my feelings, my opinions out there. As long as it is done here or with family or trusted friends. And then it should not be used against you.
Yes, EVERYONE has a right to comment, respond but it doesn't mean we are wrong in how we feel or felt for that moment. Feelings are real. Opinions are real. This is our space to use in our own way. I mean someone came on my space and called me names for my feelings and then turned around called me names on their space. That is okay? (never mind, I am not even going to try and analyze that one)Jaye, look around. You and I are so lucky. If people think we are wrong and therefore think we are morons or evil or whatever the case may be then so be it. I am here for you and I know you are there for me.

2006-12-06T18:22:00.000-08:00

MOON RIVER ... I turned 51 over the weekend. I wanted to celebrate in a place where I had never been. My favorite place in the world is Catalina Island but alot of history for me there and too many heartbroken memories but I still love it. With that said, I still wanted to go somewhere I knew nothing about. I wanted to go with my guy. I also wanted it to be a place he had never been. That is hard to do because there is no one on this planet as familiar with California as he is but we managed to find a place. Tiburon, in the San Francisco Bay. Tiburon is the Northern California version of Catalina and we had a great time. I do believe I loved that man before we left but now I am so in love with him I can hardly see straight.

We simply spent our time familiarizing ourselves with our new surroundings. We took in the architecture, the people, the history. What a grand place. The weather accommodated us. 63 degrees and sunny. The view from our room was to die for, looking out toward the Golden Gate bridge. I never stopped grinning. We went to an Italian restaurant for dinner and there was a jazz trio playing music as we entered. It was as though they planned it just for our stay. Dinner was superb and the company too wonderful for words.

The next day we took a ferry ride to Angel Island and rented bikes to explore the place. I got lost but it didn't matter. I was so lost in the atmosphere. I finally found my way back to my sweetie and as we 'found' our way home the grin never left my face.

I don't remember ever being this happy or this much in love. I must have done something right that God sent me this man. He spoils me rotten and I am enjoying every minute of it. He showered me with gifts, love and simply catered to my every whim.

As the song goes, "we're after the same rainbow's end". I love you, Greg, with all my heart and not just because of this magnificent weekend but for all you do for me and Joe.

2006-11-26T11:38:00.000-08:00

YOU DO THE MATH ... I was told to get over a relationship it takes half the time you were in it. That would mean it should have taken me 7 years to get over a relationship that I was in for 14 years and 9 months to get over a relationship I was in for 18 months. Of course in reality I was over the 14 year relationship in a heartbeat. (yes, contrary to popular belief I was OVER HIM in less than a minute. it was the damage he did to others that I wasn't "over" and I still have a hard time with). The 18 month relationship was a bit more tricky.

I made a comment recently that I vent and it is done. A person listening to the conversation said "if you're venting than it isn't done because then something else comes up in regards to that and you vent again. Get over it already. Move on." Well, I am "over" it and I have moved on.

As my son's step-mom said to me "better out then in". I love that. If I am venting for that moment than I am getting it out. I go on with the rest of my life. If I hold it in then it weighs me down and prevents me from going forward. There is no time line in how long it takes to "get over" someone or some moment in time. There is, however, a time when you need to move forward. If my friends, my true friends, feel it is holding me back from going forward believe me they will tell me. I can't tell you how many times I have heard "okay, with that said, pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move on". I do.

As life goes on there will be moments that will bring us back to a hard time, a sad time, an angry time, etc. Are we not allowed to "vent"? Get angry? Be sad? I allow myself those times. It doesn't mean I am not over it! Don't listen if you feel I vent too much. Don't hold me if I need to cry one more time about it. Walk away if you don't want to see the anger. These moments I have will pass. They have not held me back (in this past year especially) from going forward. If I see someone who is angry, sad or venting over a specific person or incident in their life all it means to me is they must have been passionate about it, that it truly meant something to them and that is a good thing. Only if you allow it to hold you back is there trouble.

2006-11-21T21:51:00.000-08:00

Un-for-tu-nate: meeting with unexpected reverses; unsuitable

Soul-mate: a person with whom one has a strong affinity

Un-for-tu-nate Soul-mate: a person with whom one has a strong connection but they are simply unsuited for one another.

I believe this best discribes my relationship with a certain someone whom I have known for 20 years. If you know me (or even him) then you know of whom I speak. When we initially met there was an instant spark or connection or chemistry, whatever you want to call it. Over the course of the next 10 years we would meet in passing but circumstances kept us from "acting on this chemistry". Ten years later, after I was married with child and he was married with child (and another on the way) he would pick up the phone and ask me to help him with a show he was putting on. We have been a main factor in each other's life ever since. It would be five years after that and two divorces later that we would finally act on that chemistry and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the connection was bigger then both of us. I recognized immediately at that time I was truly, madly, deeply in love. It was the first time I truly understood the term "soulmate". It was also the first time I knew what being "in love" actually felt like.

The "unfortunate" part would come into play soon after that. There were those who saw it immediately and others who (til this day) hope and pray we will come back together but this last year has proven to me over and over again that we are as my friend Jon so tenderly put it, "you two are 'unfortunate soulmates' ". It brought tears to my friend Deb's eyes but she knew her husband spoke the truth.

I accept this with open arms. We have proven over and over again that nothing (and certainly no one) can come between our friendship. Our interaction can and certainly has been misunderstood but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are simply meant to be in each other's life and we were never meant to go beyond a certain point. We are the dearest of friends and I will treasure that always. It is a power stronger then both of us that keeps us at a very close distance.

Today I treasure our friendship and our significant others who understand the bond between us and never try to pry us apart. These two people of whom I speak are wonderful and incredible human beings. They both know that in embracing us they must embrace our friendship. It shows me they are both very secure in their relationships with us and very strong within themselves. I love and admire both of them. And when I give 'thanks' on Thursday it will be for our significant others.

I also want to give thanks to every person who has been involved in this emotional roller coaster over the last 6 years. You all have been kind, patient, loving and most of all, extremely understanding as I have not made it easy on anyone but as the song goes "I am what I am". Thank you all for embracing that.

2006-09-28T21:17:00.000-07:00

I love love love my Green Dress...

I caught you staring at me. A long, intimate stare that was oh so familiar. The feeling it gave me I know all too well.

I love love love my Green Dress...

Your lips are soft. Your touch so tender. It is all coming back to me.

I love love love my Green Dress...

I have been down this road before. It is full of heartache and pain but I keep coming back. The cycle repeats itself. I wish my friend were here to bring me back to my senses.

I love love love my Green Dress...

Are you staring because she is gone or because you want her gone?

I love love love my Green Dress...

I didn't always love my Green Dress but the more I wore it the more fond of it I became. Now it makes me feel beautiful, confident, loved, wanted, adored, and secure. I can't remember any thing but how good life is when I wear my Green Dress.

I love love love my Green Dress...

Sometimes it doesn't always fit right but that's to be expected, right?

Dear God, remind me how good it feels to wear my Green Dress.

2006-09-19T04:18:00.000-07:00

"DADDY" WORTHY
I had a conversation with my Amanda. She is 16 years old and goes to school with my son. They recently did a show together. She mentioned one weekend that her dad was in town but wouldn't be coming to the show. He lives in LA and was here briefly to pick up his new wife and they were heading back to LA. She said she wasn't surprised by his brief visit but his brief visit hurt her brother. She said to me "there are 2 kinds of men in this world, one that is worthy of the title "daddy" and one that will never be anything more then just "dad". Although, I think the title "dad" does not even apply to those that are not "daddy" worthy but I totally understood where she was coming from. She accepted this about her father and wanted her brother to accept it too. She no longer wanted to see her brother hurt. I told her that Joe has a "dad" just like her own and he seems to have accepted this trait in his own father.

A friend of mine recently told me that his former spouse had had it with their 8 year old son and no longer wanted him living with her. (he simply is not "perfect enough") He recently went to live with his "daddy". My friend said that his son seems fine but he feels something must be going on inside and what do we do to make our kids not feel the rejection they must be going through. As I sat next to him crying my eyes out at the thought of this young boy being rejected by a very selfish mother I realized that my friend was "daddy worthy". I told my friend that our children were lucky to have at least one parent that loved them unconditionally and was there through better or worse.

To me it is interesting that both our former spouses were able to re-marry saying those same vows they said to us. What is more interesting is that we as parents say those vows (privately) when we bring children into this world. If you can break these vows to your children you can certainly break them with your current spouse. Of course, if you can marry someone who has 'rejected' their child then you deserve all the heartache that comes with that. (and yes, moving away from your child is a form of rejection)

So my dear Amanda their are plenty of men out there that are "daddy worthy" so choose wisely when your time comes. My dear sweet girl, people will continue to disappoint us so hold on to the good and use the bad as a learning tool. You'll get there, girlie, because you have the right idea.

Much love,

"Mommy" Jeanine

2006-08-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

I recently heard Garth Brooks say that the sign that you are "grown up" is when you live life for someone else. This shouldn't be difficult to do if you are a parent but for some it is.

It made me think that if you are incapable of putting someone before yourself what a sad life you must lead because when you pay it forward it ALWAYS comes back to reward you.

Garth Brooks was talking about his recent marriage to Trisha Yearwood. He said that he needed 4 blessings before he could ask Trisha Yearwood to marry him, 1-his father's; 2-her parents; 3-his children; 4-HIS EX-WIFE! He said the marriage never would have taken place if he didn't have those 4 blessings. He was asked to elaborate on the blessing from his ex-wife. He said that most people stop talking after a divorce but when you have kids it is so important to keep those communication lines open. Also, they both put their children's well being before anything else. As long as she (his ex-wife) knew the kids came first and his new wife put them first as well then he had her blessing.

Too bad not all parents can be this grown up.

Garth Brooks said that his children didn't ask to be born into this family, they didn't ask to be celebrities, they didn't ask that their parents divorce and they didn't ask that their dad re-marry so it was important that all parties, including their mom, was good with this new part of his life. (this should be a given in all situations)

When you think about it it is quite simple. I have often said that I have never had to put my own life on hold by putting Joe first. I have had a productive and fulfilling life AND Joe never had to want for my attention. I also, as I look around, realize that most guys do think like this. My boss is married for the second time but his ex-wife and children want for nothing. His current wife is very much a part of their family and never feels she has had to sacrifice a thing. I met a man last week who also is divorced and has always made sure his ex-wife and daughter are well taken care of and his child never hungers for his attention because he is ALWAYS there for her.

I am not feeling sorry for myself. Honestly, I am not but how did I manage to find the one man who is so very selfish and he managed to marry a very selfish woman? Well as I said so many times before, opposites do attract but the union is short lived and then people end up with someone who is just like them. So it would have been my 17th year anniversary today but thank you God that he is now sharing his life with someone who is just like him. Very sad, though, that we couldn't manage to be friends for Joe's sake but that is Harry's fault. Shame on him and his wife. They would have had my blessing had they thought of Joe before themselves, had they stuck around to be with him through his teen years.

Lucky for me that I have a man (actually ALL my guys) who understands that Joe comes first and I must have his blessing if they want to share their life with US!

2006-07-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

I have written countless blogs, e-mails, letters, etc. about my life changing experiences over the last 5 years. Nothing would prepare me for my life changing experience a week and a half ago or make me realize that I really hadn't come as far as I thought. After my divorce I refused to be an angry, bitter, divorced woman and thought I was pretty strong and forged straight ahead. Now looking back over the last 5 years all I was was an angry, bitter, divorced woman who wanted everyone to feel the pain I felt over the last 5 years. A near fatal car crash can certainly make you re-evaluate your life and where you are and what you came from.

My marriage (which lasted 11 1/2 years) was anything but a happy union. I married because I felt it was time and I married a man who needed me rather then love me. He was a selfish, self centered human being. Only after the birth of our son did I recognize just how selfish he truly can be. Even now he puts himself and his wants and needs before anyone else's. I hid my unhappiness for a long time. I did a good job too. Most people thought of us as a loving and happy family. Behind close doors both Joe and I had to make sacrifices to keep this man happy or life would be unbareable. I don't regret any of it as I have the one perfect child. My only regret was putting up with it for as long as I did. I allowed him to control and manipulate me to the point where I thought there was something emotionally and physically wrong with me because our home life was so miserable. He was never a good husband or father. I took care of our home and finances and the nuturing of our son. Shame on me for staying in an unhealthy environment for both me and my son. Thank God that his selfishness overpowered him and he left. I would more than likely be there still if he hadn't. A broken down old soul with nothing to offer anyone at this point.

I was relieved after a time but never understood how he went from bad to worse. He even managed to find someone who condoned his selfishness and his lack of responsiblity to his son. I promised to not let this behavior turn me sour but it certainly did.

Over the course of the last five years I went through counseling and a series of relationships that in some respect helped me to grow but all in all I was still angry and bitter. Afterall what had I done that even though this man who was so abusive to me could go on without a care in world and be rewarded for it? I felt I struggled each and every day not only to make ends meet but I felt I worked so hard at keeping my relationships strong and real. He managed to find someone who allowed him to be irresponsible. Whenever I wanted to give up on life I was told by those around me to "pick myself up, brush myself off, and move on". No one ever told him that or expected him too. I only became more bitter and more angry.

I did fall in love at one point. The man was my best friend. This is what being in love was all about but still it was such a struggle to keep it together. We wanted the same things but when only one person is working really hard to get to where you both want to be it simply becomes work and you eventually give up. I love him till this day but I was more bitter because he never helped fight to keep us together and even though he admits he still loves me, he was still willing "let go". Again, I found I was angry and bitter. ONLY this time I wanted the world to know. I managed to drag everyone in on it. Making my life, his life and their lives (friends and family) miserable.

Two years ago I met a man who seemed to just take life one day at a time. We have alot in common and enjoy each other's company. I made a point of letting him know I was still in love with someone else even though I couldn't be with this person. The new man stayed by me. Over these last two years I have not made being with me easy but he perseveres.

On the night of July 8th we were coming back from dinner and we crashed into a car that ran a stop sign. It left me with a broken sternum and him with a crushed hand. We were told at the hospital that no one who has had an accident at that intersection ever survives. Also, at the time of the accident my dear high school friend, Lisa, died in a fire. Why had God taken her home and left me here? Lisa was selfless and loving. I was this selfish, bitter, angry woman.

God was definitely using this accident to send a message and this time I damn well better listen. Truly there is no reason to ask why things happen. Everything happens for a reason and I don't plan on taking anything for granted again. My son's father left and thank God for me he did. I am so much better off without him around. He now lives a sad pathetic life because he is with someone who doesn't expect him to lift a finger to do a damn thing. Lucky for me my family and friends do expect me to be responsible and selfless and sometimes they demand that I do so! The relationship with my best friend didn't work but it just simply wasn't meant to be at this time or maybe ever. BUT we are still dear friends who love each other and will always cherish being in each other's lives. I thank God too, that my Greg didn't give up on me and feels I am worth fighting for because he certainly is.

I lost my good friend, Lisa, but I know her well enough to know that if God had said to her "you and Jeanine will be in a serious accident at the same time and I need to bring one of you home" Lisa's reply would have been "take me because Jeanine has a son to raise".

I don't want to be that selfish, bitter, angry woman anymore. I want to do my son proud and the memory of my dear friend, Lisa. I want my friends to be proud to call me friend (if I haven't lost them already). I want a chance to do it right this time and I feel God has given me that chance. I just hope it is not too late.

2006-07-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

My dear friend, Lisa. We have known each other since 1973. She was one year younger then me. Always a free spirit. This picture is how you would see her every time you came face to face with her. Always that beautiful smile on her face. She never was unkind or cruel to anyone or anything. The night of my car accident Lisa was caught in a fire and never got out. Now she is in heaven. My loving, selfless friend. I wish all of you could have met her. You couldn't help but fall in love with her.

I am going to miss you so much, my friend. How lucky for me that you called me "friend" too.

2006-04-13T16:16:00.000-07:00

How You remind me how precious life is....

How You remind me that no matter how big the mountain, it is better to climb over to the other side whether then go back to where I started....

How You remind me of all my blessings and how lucky I am to be where I am....

How You remind me that being a Mom is the greatest gift of all...

How You remind me that the Venus / Mars thing is just an excuse to not try to get to know the other person because if I didn't take the time to figure them out I would miss out on so much...

How You remind me that even though I barely scrape by each month at least I am healthy enough to get up everyday and go to my job...

How You remind me that even though there may not be an answer to every question there is a solution to every problem...

How You remind me that my parents so lovingly taught me two very important things, 1) life is tough and not to let it drag me down because it is so worth the journey and 2) that I CAN and SHOULD be independent enough to take care of myself (because of that I can now take care of myself AND my son)...

How You remind me each day that I am really fortunate to be right here, in this place, with these people I call family and friends...

How You remind me when I tend to forget.

2006-03-19T15:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Joe,
I think Chrissie Hynde said it best:

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause i've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well i'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along

'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And i'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And i'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

I love you,
Mom

2006-03-12T09:13:00.000-08:00

"And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days

Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things
Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

I need someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive

And the one poor child who saved this world

And there's ten million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again"

2006-03-05T23:49:00.000-08:00

I have written about my son on many occasions. I am so blessed and often wonder why God would send ME this magnificent child. He touches people's lives in so many ways. I am told almost daily of stories what he means to family, friends, peers, teachers, etc. So why me? I love him with all my heart and soul but I certainly am not the best parent for the job. I didn't choose well as far as fathers go so why would God send you, My Son, to me? Why was I so lucky?

I promise you, Joe, to do the very best I can to be a good mom. I promise to never leave you, to move away, or to move on without your consent or knowledge. I will never bring anyone into your life without your 100% approval. I will do my best to give you the best life possible.

Please remember nothing that has occurred was your fault or your doing in any way. You will come across people in your life that will disappoint you especially the people that should love you the most. You are special and God gave you a gift. Cherish it, use it. You are blessed and are destine for great things. I cannot promise that you will never be hurt again by the ones that should love and protect you first and foremost but know there are a number of people out there that do love and cherish you, most importantly me and Greg.

I love you the most,

MOM

2006-02-22T17:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder how I got to this place in my life. When I think where I was just a couple of years ago and where I am now it blows me away. It seems a lifetime ago and I think to myself "who was that person 2 years ago? was that really me?". Most importantly why had my life completely changed yet once again?

Five years ago I went through a life altering change. Then life seemed settled and secure. Apparently that is NOT the plan God had for me. It made another drastic change again. That change was harder to get through and I spent over year trying to understand it and why it had to happen.

The answer was always right in front of me but I was blinded by the past. Little things over the last several months clued me in that I was so much better off but this past week I realized just how much God has been protecting me and more importantly my son.

I always thank God for my son. He is the reason I wake up and breathe every day but mostly because he is just so great (even during these teenage years). I definitely thank God for my Greg. He has been so patient through my life changing experiences. Most men would have walked away. I hope I never take him for granted again.

Mostly, Thank You, Lord for knowing what is best even when I refuse to see it.

2006-02-09T21:47:00.000-08:00

MY CHRISTINA

You would think after being in theatre for over 30 years I would have learned something about directing. The bottom line is, I AM THE ONE THAT NEEDS DIRECTION at all times.

When a friend of mine couldn't direct the current show I am in I decided to take the task on myself. I love the show and felt I knew it well enough to direct and be in at the same time! When rehearsals began on Tuesday I was astounded at how little I did know and that my ideas just weren't going to work.

Well thank God I had the smarts to cast Christina Nelson. She has always been one of my favorite people to work with and a great actress, BUT her knowledge about the show and her vision has been a Godsend. Suddenly the show was going in a different direction, a BETTER direction.

My dear friend I worship the ground you walk on! (I am sure there is dittos from Andie. Although, Miss Andie had some great ideas of her own)

You both have my undying gratitude and love.

2006-02-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep

It was brought to my attention that I must have the most self assured boyfriend in the world. I am about to embark on my first adventure as a director and my wonderful boyfriend agreed to act as a tech director (build the set, adjust the lights, etc). My friend, Deb, said I should count my blessings for having him in my life as there are not too many men out there that would agree to support me in this venture. I am doing this play at Kileys so those of you who know me know what that means. Deb said there is not anything in the world Greg wouldn't do for me.

I suppose I always knew this but it doesn't hurt to have someone you trust bring it to your attention every once in a while. I certainly don't want to take his generosity for granted. Of course, I don't want to take Mike's for granted either. I thank God everyday for both of them. Greg for loving me so much that he recognizes my need to do this just once and knowing that Mike is probably the only person who is willing to give me this chance, and Mike for his friendship and wanting me to have this opportunity and giving it to me.

The cast consists of three women, me, Christina and Andie. I shouldn't put myself onstage and off but I am lucky to have these amazing women to lean on. Christina has directed before and has great insight (as well as being an incredible actress). Andie is just simply a great actress. With Greg helping me offstage, the girls onstage and Mike's friendship I don't think I could go wrong.

If there are any uncomfortable feelings I haven't experienced it. They all seem to care enough about me to make it happen. I am very lucky and very grateful.

2006-01-30T06:09:00.000-08:00

HEALTH, THE REAL ISSUE

When I was eight years old I said to my grandmother that I wished she was rich so I could have whatever I want. My grandmother looked at me and said "I am rich, I have my health". At eight years old I had no idea what she meant by that. It certainly wasn't going to get me that pool in my backyard or a trip to Disneyland.

At 22 years old I was complaining to my roommate's boyfriend that money was tight and I wished I had enough to pay off my bills and buy a new car. (my credit card bill probably amounted to something in the neighborhood of $400.00) He said "You are healthy so you have no worries".

Of course, this made me think of my grandmother so I asked him what in the heck he meant. He said "I know a guy with terminal cancer. He has nothing else to think about and nothing else to worry about".

At that moment I promised to always keep things in perspective. I haven't always been successful at that but every once in a while my grandmother's words come back to 'slap me in the face' and so do my friend, Jeff's.

I could list you my woes and more than likely you would say "well that is a valid reason to be blue" but in the over all scheme of things I truly am rich. There is a young woman out there that managed to put that into perspective for me. So I say to her "I do not know you except to maybe say hello but you are a blessing. The life you touch may be the one you least expect. My thoughts and prayers are with you."

2006-01-25T22:07:00.000-08:00

I am not afraid to say my age. It was commented to me that I say it so much that I must be obsessed with it. Well, I don't think obsessed is the right word but at one time in my life I thought I would be near death at 50! (yes, Joe Smith, you may insert joke)

At 50 I don't feel near death at all but I do want to just feel content in my life. Not think about what I say or what I do and people will look at me and simply not care. Afterall I am 50 and shouldn't you be able to say and do whatever without repercussions? I mean, not say or do things that are hurtful but when you simply make a comment it shouldn't get blown out of proportion. People should know you well enough by now, right? Apparently not so.

Unfortunately I am still invisible to people when I do good deeds (which is as it should be) but I stand out when I vent, or have an opinion different from the rest of the group. When my words are repeated suddenly I was no longer venting I was gossiping and when I have an opinion I suddenly have no idea what I am talking about.

Shouldn't you reach a point when you can just say what you feel without it getting all blown out of proportion? Shouldn't you be able to trust the people you are with, people you have chosen to be with because YOU trust THEM, and say anything without getting yourself in "trouble".

I suppose as I look back I can see when I have always been misinterpreted. People only remember the "mistakes" but never the good stuff. Is that the same with everyone? I wonder.

At 50 I want to be able to vent to whomever I am with and know that it won't get twisted around to the next person. I want to have an opinion that you don't agree with and have you ask me why rather than rip me to shreds for it. I want to know my friends will defend me to the death because I have defended them at one time or another. Disagree with me in private but be there for me in public. I don't want to walk on egg shells anymore.

When I do something nice I don't expect a pat on the back. I do it because I want to but (yes there is a but) it does hurt when 2 of us are doing something for someone and only one of us is acknowledged for it. Shouldn't the other person step forward and say 'I didn't do it alone'. I would for them and have.

So if I don't spend as much time with my friends as I should it is because at 50 I will search out the places I can be me and relax and feel contentment. I thank God for Joe because he makes single parenting easier then it should be with a 15 year old. I thank God for Greg because of his patience and love. Yes, he is quirky with a strange sense of humor but the only man who ever really fought for me and fought to be with me and loves me from the inside out. If I want peace and contentment these two men will "build it for me".

If this is read at all I am sure it will get misinterpreted as well. Just ask me I will tell you but you have to ask.

2006-01-18T19:16:00.000-08:00

Great gifts come in all sorts of packages as we well know.

Sometimes it is wrapped in the shape of a house that needs a great deal of paint and the lawn needs tending too but inside it is warm and cozy and full of love and security.

Sometimes it comes wrapped in the shape of a 15 year old boy with pimples and 5 missing teeth but when he leaves his mom in the morning to go to school he calls out to her "See you after school. I love you, Mom. Have a great day".

Sometimes it comes wrapped as a man about 6' tall, with a round figure and lots of hair. He stays up all night waiting for a call because he heard you had a bad day and he wants you to know he is close by in case you just can't be alone one more minute.

Sometimes the wrapping changes it's hair color all the time and you never know what she will look like the next time you see her but when you do inside is the same warmth you always get when you see her and she makes you happy to be you.

Sometimes it comes wrapped in a sweater that only someone who stepped out of 1975 would appreciate but when he wraps his arms around you (even covered in that sweater) makes you feel safe, wanted and loved.

Sometimes it's wrapping is worn, bald, and can barely hear a word you say but when he looks at this 50 year old woman he still sees a little girl who he is proud to call daughter.

Sometimes the wrapping is wrinkled but she still manages to wrap herself completely around you and make you feel secure.

2006-01-16T05:48:00.000-08:00

TURNING 50

I wanted to turn 50

I looked forward to the day

I wanted to put all my young thoughts away

I wanted all the wisdom that comes with this age

I wanted the wrinkles, the aches, the pain

The loves, the heartaches, the joy, and the fear

Thank you Dear Lord for bringing me here!

2006-01-10T19:37:00.000-08:00

My Little Bundle of Joey

Today I was going to write about "growing pains" because it was exactly 5 years ago this week that mine and Joe's lives changed completely but today when I got home from work my son, Joe, showed me his report card. My once honor student has been struggling since 7th grade. We have been dealing with this issue for some time. I have tried grounding him, taking away privileges, etc. Nothing has worked. I told him that as much as I hated to do this I would need to talk to his dad about Joe going to live with him. He asked me what good that would do for him. I told him it would do nothing for him but that I was exhausted and needed the break. My son cried. Then he explained how much he hated his father for what he did to our lives. He hated his father for putting himself first instead of his own son. He hated his father for running away every time the going got tough. He said "I never blamed you, Mom, for what happened". I always knew that but it helped to hear it from him. I did tell him there were times I wanted to run away because I felt emotionally drained but he said "running away did nothing for Dad and so therefore that shouldn't be a solution". I told him had he ever told his Dad how he felt and he said no because his Dad is coward and it would change nothing.

I love this child with every ounce of my being. He COMPLETES ME. I realized I would only be hurting myself and what security Joe had by sending him away. We never did come up with a solution to his homework situation but I will stand my this child til death due us part. He doesn't deserve any more heartache and I will fight to the death for this young man.

Today, when I woke, I felt scared. Finances aren't good and I have no idea how we will get through this school year but knowing that this very special person loves me with all his heart and is willing to do whatever it takes to make life easier for us is the greatest reward.

I love you, Joe. You are the best, the B-E-S-T, BEST!

MOM

2006-01-03T19:06:00.000-08:00

Recently I got an e-mail from a friend saying that although she enjoyed my blog she saw it as pointless. I suppose it is but I like that you can stay updated on people you don't see on a regular basis. Of course today I decided another good reason to have a blog is to vent!

Back in November I went with my son, Joe and a group of friends to see Paul McCartney in concert. I grew up with the Beatles. I even remember their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan show. I was so thankful that Joe loved their music. I really looked forward to taking him.

Needless to say the show was awesome. It was great watching my 15 year old sing along with all us old folks. It was a great time!

However, after the show I made the mistake of having an opinion! I said that I just don't see the point in encores. To me it is a big fat waste of time. Just sing to me! I mean, it is Paul McCartney, of course, we want to hear him. Of course, there is going to be a million encores! So rather then leave the stage just stay out and sing.

Well apparently it was the wrong thing to say. To this day I am reemed for "hating the concert". How my opinion of not liking encores turned into hating the concert is beyond me. (we do still live in America, right?)

Just to let my group know, I love you guys dearly but the jokes are getting old. As someone said to me tonight, "as much as you have the right to your opinion I have the right to make fun of that opinion". Truthfully there is a line to be drawn. A couple of jokes I can handle BUT to be the constant butt of everyone's jokes, well that is getting old. After a while it is no longer funny. After a while it just plain hurts.

Granted I have made my share of jokes. Well shame on me. I have even been known to lash out but I don't know how to make people stop. (trust me, not the way to do it) I truly wouldn't hurt any of you for the world. So for me the jokes stop here.

Yes, you have the right to make fun of me and my opinions but hopefully from now on I will turn the other cheek.

2006-01-02T10:39:00.000-08:00

Last night a dear friend celebrated her 40th birthday with a small group of friends. So I reflected on my friends and what they mean to me.

It was my friend, Shaun Baker, that taught me the true meaning of friendship. Using the term 'friend' has nothing to do with how long you have known someone but the quality of friendship you share with them.

Shaun and I have known each other since 1986 but we have been the best of friends for only 3 years. One night I was having a bad time emotionally and got an urge to call Shaun to vent. I had never done that before. We knew each other but not well. We had done some shows together but did not hang out socially. Anyway, I called and he answered my call as though I called him on a daily basis. We talked for 3 hours that night!

When the bond is there then it is there. There is no denying it. "Friend" is a term I no longer use loosely because of Shauno. "Friend" is someone I know has my back and I have their's. I would fight for you. You are not the fodder for my jokes. You are precious to me.
I am blessed to have a large group of people I call "friends". They range from 25-70. I have known some for just a short period of time and others for many, many years. I have had people disappear from my life only to re-appear years later. Some disappear and never reappear (not yet anyway). There are friends I talk to on a daily basis and others maybe once a year.

At my birthday celebration I noticed that my friends are in groups:
work, theatre, family, etc.

The joke was that none of them knew each other. How sad for all of you because all of you are so great but I smile because I am so blessed. I thank God for you everyday.
Thanks Christie for allowing me to share your birthday with you.

P.S. Christie, although you said that you never tell me enough how much I mean to you and I told you that you say it often so I know, the truth is, I can never hear it enough.

2006-01-01T07:24:00.000-08:00

Well it is officially 2006! I promised myself to start using this blog to post my thoughts, feelings, etc. I brought in the new year with friends. Greg cooked dinner at my house. Bea, Anna, Mel, Dianne and Jaye joined us. Greg made a killer pasta with caesar salad. Then we all headed to Kileys for the show "A Tribute to Laugh-In" (which seemed to have very little to do with Laugh-In). It was painful at best but there were a couple of fun moments. Unfortunately it was only a couple and they were brief. It took several glasses of wine to get through it and I am suffering for it this morning. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time but because of that I got no quality time with Greg (I mean talking and reflecting). Today he is off to God knows where to do his own reflecting. I am left with a hangover and a kitchen full of dirty dishes!

It has been a year of obstacles but I am glad to say I have managed to leap over them. I lost my job back in September but was lucky enough to find another quickly. I thought I lost two friends that were dear to me because of some misunderstanding but thanks to Brooke all is forgiven and forgotten. It is nice to end the year speaking to everyone again! The situation taught me so much and hopefully I will take those lessons with me into 2006.

I did lose my favorite aunt to leukemia on 12/10. (That is her in the photo) That was a tough one. I believe there is a heaven and I know she is now "healthy and happy" once again. It is a comfort for me to know that but I wish for just one more moment with her. I suppose if I got that it would never be enough.

Well here is to clean slates and new starts. Happy New Year!

2005-11-13T14:57:00.000-08:00

Hi, I thought it was about time I joined the "bloggers".